


GuIIld Games

by Xotx



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Health Issues, POV Second Person, Video & Computer Games
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-14
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-01-15 16:14:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 32,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1311142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xotx/pseuds/Xotx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your name is Dave Strider and you've just recently been dumped for the first time by your long term girlfriend. This was unexpected, to say the least... almost as unexpected as meeting the leader of your rival guild. You're not sure what will happen next, but this game just got a whole lot more interesting for you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. >Be the angsty teen.

**> Be the angsty teen.**

You are now the angsty teen; though you cannot say that you really want to be, and you can't see why anyone else would want to be either.

Your name is Dave Strider, and as you enter your apartment you kick the door shut. This is normally how you close the door behind you, but the force of your kick is just a little bit stronger than it usually is. Standing in your doorway, you listen carefully for any indication that your Bro is lurking nearby.

The last thing you need right now is to try and explain why your date with Jade ended so soon.

Fortunately for you, the house is silent save for the subtle sounds of music coming from behind Bro's door. It's the sort of music he leaves on when the house is empty, probably for ironic reasons that you'll never completely understand. You certainly can't be bothered to dwell on it now, anyways, and you're just appreciative of the fact that you've got at least a few hours of gaming to yourself.

Finally tiring of the entryway to your apartment, you step on the back of your sneakers, slipping out one foot and then the other. You shrug your hoodie up a little higher onto your shoulders as you make your way to your room, careful to avoid any rogue smuppets strewn about the floor. These things used to creep you out when you were younger, but now they've become a sort of welcomed landmark on the various isles of familiar furniture and stretches of light brown carpet. It just wouldn't feel like home without those upturned noses and bulbous buttocks jutting out all impudent like.

As you enter your room, you're greeted briefly by the dark, shaded countenance of yourself reflected in the mirror on the opposite wall. You hesitate there, studying yourself carefully and noting tiny details. The socks you're wearing don't match, not that that mattered much a moment ago when they were shielded from view by your sneakers. Despite your penchant for snacking, you've managed not to put on the infamous freshman fifteen and are actually in pretty decent shape. If nothing else, you can thank your Bro's nigh unpredictable spars for that one. You've also gotten tall with age, around 5'8”, and the top outer rims of your black sunglasses are barely dusted by the fringe of your light blonde bangs which could, in all honesty, use a trim.

Not that that really matters anymore... seeing as you no longer have anyone to trim them for.

Kicking this door shut as well, you turn your back on your mirrored self and turn the handle's lock with a soft 'click'. Your Bro never intrudes, but right now you could use the added security that only a locked door provides. You just want to sit in here, play Sburb, and drown out the real world for a few hours.

Your computer is sitting in the middle of your desk patiently, next to the turntable setup you'd hooked up to it two Christmas eves ago. It had been a pretty sick addition, and the beats you're able to crank out with this system are top notch. Now that you think of it, though, it has been a while since you've thrown together something fresh. Maybe you'll get to that later.

Deciding that it's about time to get down to business, though, you slouch into the black chair in front of your monitor. You grab onto the lip of your desk and pull yourself forward, then wiggle the mouse to alert the screen to your arrival.

The monitor quickly lights up with activity, most notably your Pesterchum which is already flashing with new messages. Three guild members have messaged you in your absence, and as you read over their chumHandles, you decide that you're only in the mood for one of them right now.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
EB: hey dave, are you there?  
EB: just wanted to let you know we got a new member! his name's tavros and his handle's adiosToreador.  
EB: i guess just message me whenever you get this!  
TG: hey  
EB: hey! there you are.  
TG: i added tavros logging in now  
EB: wait! not that im complaining or anything, but wasn't jade expecting you to take her out earlier?  
EB: like, im pretty sure that's why you said you had to leave an hour ago

Wow. He really didn't wait long before jumping into that one. You don't cringe as you read her name, but you do pause for a moment before typing out your response.

TG: she was  
TG: and i did  
TG: end of discussion  
EB: oh... ok.  
EB: is everything alright?  
TG: yup  
EB: ...  
TG: what  
EB: nothing.  
EB: it's just that, i mean, you're the cool player dude here but...  
EB: don't dates between you two... usually last longer than that?

You really don't want to talk about this.  
You really, _really_ don't want to talk about this.  
But... John is your best friend, and you know that he'd come to you if it was him.

TG: look  
TG: dont make a big deal out of it or anything  
TG: but we kind of  
TG: broke up  
EB: whoa... dude, im sorry.  
EB: i shouldn't have asked.  
EB: wow... i feel like a complete ass.

There it is. That pitying bullshit that you can't deal with right now.

TG: dont worry about it  
TG: i dont want to talk about it   
TG: lets game  
EB: oh, alright. sorry!  
EB: vris and nep and rose are already on, eq said he has archery lessons today so we can just run one of the lower dungeons until he gets on  
TG: sounds like a plan  
EB: ... dave?  
TG: what  
EB: if you want to talk about it later... you know im here man.  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

You close the chat window, then look to the little picture frame sitting next to your keyboard. It's a picture of you and Jade, from that day when the two of you had gone to the zoo. She had spent over an hour feeding every single already obese goat in the petting zoo. Since she'd gotten so excited over them, you'd bought her that stupid stuffed goat and she'd insisted on taking a picture. The sun had reflected onto the corner of her glasses, putting off a glare that just completed the whole, goofy photo.

Heaving a heavy sigh, you reach over and turn the picture frame away from you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is an idea I've had floating around for a while, and I'd put off working on it to try and get myself to finish my first fanfiction, however one burst of inspiration later and here we have GuIIld Games. I hope that you all enjoy, but please understand that with my own life and now two stories to juggle, updates might be slow and sporadic. Thanks for reading!


	2. >Make matters worse.

**> Make matters worse.**

You're really not sure how you _could_ make matters worse.

After all, you kind of just uncomfortably bumbled into having your best friend tell you that he and his girlfriend broke up. Yikes!

You'd tried to make things better by telling him that he could talk to you, but you have a sneaking suspicion that that didn't help as much as you had hoped it would. It would probably be for the best to just leave him alone for a while. Maybe he'll be a bit more open to conversation after he's had some time to think things over.

In the meantime, there's business to take care of. You're not the guild's second-in-command just because your best bro pal is the leader, after all! 

Your name is John Egbert, and it's your job to keep things running nice and smoothly so Dave can focus on the guild's conquering efforts. The two of you have been playing Sburb since your early high school years, and in that time you've both built this guild into the force it is today. There's not a player on the server who hasn't heard of Paradox, and it's become an almost daily occurrence for new members to pop up in the guild's chat.

Speaking of, you should probably give that new guy, Tavros, a proper welcoming. He was kind of quiet the last time you'd talked to him, so he's probably a bit shy. Maybe he'd want to run a dungeon! His character is still a fairly low level page, but between you and the others it shouldn't be too difficult to carry him. It's normally just you and the other officers completing the more complexed dungeon runs, but it would be nice to incorporate your newest guildie. Besides, with Equius out at his archery lessons, there's room in the party for one more. 

You decide that yes, this is definitely a good idea and you open up Pesterchum to ask him if he wants to come along. You'll probably get a party invite from Dave any moment now, so you'd better make this quick.

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering adiosToreador [AT] \--  
EB: hey tavros! what are you up to?  
AT: oH, uHH... wE'RE ALLOWED TO USE OUR ACTUAL NAMES?  
AT: aLSO, tO ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, nOTHING MUCH REALLY,  
AT: uNLESS, uH, tENDING TO MY WHEAT CROPS COUNTS AS SOMETHING, bECAUSE THAT IS THE THING THAT I'M DOING,  
EB: of course we can use our actual names!  
EB: did you expect me to just call you pupa pan?  
AT: wELL, iN THE LAST GUILD I WAS IN, eVERYONE JUST DID THAT,  
AT: oH, cALLING EACH OTHER BY THEIR GAME NAMES, i MEAN, nOT CALLING EACH OTHER PUPA PAN,  
EB: hahaha! i guess we are kind of informal about that. i mean, i'll call you pupa pan if you want me to, but we mostly just use each others actual names.  
AT: nO, uHH, tAVROS IS FINE,  
AT: bUT WHY DID YOU ASK WHAT I WAS UP TO?  
EB: oh right! we're about to go run cetus dungeon. me, dave, rose, nepeta and vriska. we have an extra spot open, and i was going to ask if you wanted in.  
AT: yES! THAT DOES SOUND PRETTY, uH, cOOL,  
AT: aND I WOULD DEFINITELY LIKE TO BE IN,  
AT: iN THE PARTY, tHAT IS,  
EB: awesome! it's always more fun with a full party. i'll tell dave to invite you.  
AT: wAIT, bEFORE YOU DO, uHH,  
AT: wHO'S DAVE?  
AT: aND, i GUESS, wHO ARE ALL OF THOSE OTHER PEOPLE, aLSO,  
EB: oh, duh, you don't know their names yet. sorry, dave's our guild leader, clockwork.  
EB: rose is fluthlu, nepeta is pouncellor :33, and vriska is mindf8ng. you should see them in the guild list, they're all online right now.  
AT: uHHHH,  
AT: wAIT,  
AT: i GET TO GO ON THIS DUNGEON RUN, wITH uH, tHE GUILD LEADER AND OFFICERS?  
AT: wHOA, tHAT'S, A LITTLE,  
AT: iNTIMIDATING,  
EB: ha! no way, we're all super nice i promise. and to be fair, one of our officers isn't on right now, so it's not quite the full package!

Your Sburb client flashes orange in its minimized spot on your task bar, and you take a moment to pull it up. This conversation needs to start winding down, it would seem, because Dave has just sent you the party invite for the dungeon run. You accept the invitation, but don't queue up for the run just yet. Tavros will need to be invited before then, so you'll have to finish your conversation with him first.

EB: so, ready to run cetus?  
AT: yES, i HAVE PUT MY WHEAT AND, eRR, sICKLE AWAY,  
EB: cool, i'll tell dave to add you.  
EB: oh, also stay on pesterchum. we usually start calls for these runs.  
AT: oKAY,  
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering adiosToreador [AT] \--

You open up the chat window to talk with Dave again, but before you can message him a new Pesterchum window pops up. It's titled “CETUS DUNGEON RUN” and, seeing as there are four other people in the chat, you correctly assume that this is the call that you'll be using for the dungeon run. Since no special permissions are needed to add other people to the call, in terms of guild rules anyway, you go ahead and drag Tavros' name into the group chat as well.

Looking away from the screen, it doesn't take you long to locate the blue, over ear headset still plugged into your speakers from the dungeon run you went on earlier that day. Turning them on their side for a minute, you adjust the volume controls on the side of your right earphone. The call from the earlier dungeon had mostly been filled with guildies who you don't know all that well and who, quite frankly, weren't a very talkative bunch. To top this off, one of them had had a fan or something going in their room that made for some pretty annoying white noise. You didn't want to be rude and just leave the call, so you'd quietly turned it down. 

This call probably wouldn't be anything like that one; you've known most of these guys for years, and there's never a dull moment! You're all set now, and you can see that Tavros has already joined the call so, after securing the headset back on, you join in as well.

“-just saying that it's kind of ballsy that this new guy thinks he can just join in the call,” you hear Vriska saying in your ears as your call connects. “Like, if he was invited whatever, but to just join in? That's not how we do things here.”

“Uh...” a soft voice says timidly, and you can only assume that it belongs to Tavros. “I'm sorry... I just, uh...”

“He did get invited,” you say, jumping in to defend the newbie. “I asked him if he'd like to come with us.”

“... seriously, John?” Vriska responds before giving an overly exaggerated sigh. “If I got a boonbuck for every time I got shanghaied into leeching new guildies... you know when I started playing this game, I got all the way up to 80 by myself. And I was already 90 before I even joined Paradox! I hope you know how lucky you are new guy; getting to game in the midst of seasoned pros like us. You should probably take a few notes, if you can.”

“Oh... okay...”

“She's kidding Tavros!” you say, unable to hold back the impish smirk on your face. “You don't actually have to take notes. It's really not a problem.”

“Well, I'm not sure I'd disregard the usefulness of a few well taken notes,” Rose says suddenly, her gentle tone washing over you and making your heart speed up a few beats. “After all, Vriska is right on one thing; we're all pretty well versed in this game. You don't max out a character without learning a few things along the way.”

Wow, Rose is so nice... and smart... also pretty. And she probably smells like the lavender colored text that she types in.

“Exactly! Thanks Rose, I knew I could count on you to give me a break,” Vriska enthusiastically chimes in. “So yeah, take notes or don't take notes, but just know that you're playing with pros and that we aren't all as wishy washy as John.”

“Hey!”

You hear a series of crackling noises then in your headset, and with a bit of confusion you take to jostling the cord connecting to your speakers a bit. The static persists, though, and it's only once Vriska's harsh tone cuts in once more that you find out where it's coming from.

“Nepeta! Unplug the fucking headset. God, you're going to give us all hearing damage.”

The static sounds suddenly stop, and you can see that Nepeta is typing in the chat instead.

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began pestering CETUS DUNGEON RUN  \--  
AC: :33 sorry!  
AC: :33 i furgot about the catic  
AC: :33 don't furry though! i can still hear you all purrfectly  
AC: :33 i just muted my mic  
\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased pestering CETUS DUNGEON RUN  \--

“Wonderful,” Vriska says, sarcasm thick in her voice. “Now can we _please_ get started already? I've got too many irons in the fire to wait around all day on this dungeon run.”

“John, queue up,” Dave commands through his headphones. “Tavros, you too since you're joining us.”

“Oh, yes, okay,” Tavros mumbles.

You're guessing that Dave must have sent him a party invite before you joined the call, but you decide not to ask. Instead, you do as your told and queue up alongside your other guild members.

As you wait for the dungeon and other members to load on your screen, you can't help but think about Dave's recent breakup. He and Jade had been dating for almost a year now, and from how short he had seemed earlier, you're starting to think that things hadn't really ended on his terms. However, you've poked that subject quite enough for one day and you suppose it really isn't any of your business either way. Dave will open up about what happened if and whenever he feels comfortable enough to, and as his best friend you'll be here for him no matter what.

But for now, Cetus Dungeon needs your attention more than Dave and Jade's relationship drama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to edit Nepeta's typing quirk slightly to allow for proper formatting! Unfortunately, I couldn't get the little less than sign to appear after :33 without breaking things, so I opted out of that part of her typing quirk. Thanks for reading, I hope you're enjoying it so far!


	3. >Dave: Answer the door.

**> Dave: Answer the door.**

You don't need to answer the door because you know who it is, and he has a key so he doesn't exactly need your help with that.

Besides, you're kind of busy right now.

“Rose, do you have enough for a mana spell?” you ask, clicking across the screen at the various fish like monsters to focus your attacks. 

“I have enough for my single target, but not my aoe,” Rose responds.

“That's fine, cast it on Vriska. Vriska, use that extra mana to finish off and seal the respawning hydra heads.”

“Yeah yeah, I'm on it.”

The dungeon has been going well, despite the fact that your party has had to revive Tavros three times already. In all honesty, the kid really wasn't doing anything wrong but he always seemed to get caught in the wrong spot at the wrong time. Your own character is a knight, limiting your attacks to close combat melee damage which suits you just fine. Getting up close and personally beating the shit out of anything that moves is almost cathartic for your negative mindset right now, and you only wish that this dungeon had a few more rooms.

The boss of this particular dungeon is Cetus, the hydra queen who has five heads that reappear with full health unless they're severed and then magically sealed. Four of the extra heads have to be removed and sealed before the fifth is cut, or they'll all respawn again. It's a tricky gambit, but not one that your officers are inexperienced with. The only thing that's making this particular dungeon run more difficult than normal is the fact that you're missing one of your power hitters in Equius, and carrying the dead weight that is your latest guildie. He seems nice enough, you guess, but he'll definitely need to up his skill level if he wants to stay in Paradox.

“John, focus on clearing the poison mounds from the map so Nepeta and I can get closer.”

Cetus is surrounded by several, much uglier, fishy beasts throughout the fight, many of which you'd all encountered in earlier rooms in the dungeon. It's almost impossible to get close to the hydra without dealing with them first, both for their massive numbers and for the fact that most of them drop little mounds of poison that deal damage over time if you step on them. Fortunately, John's an heir which is useful in precisely this sort of situation; removing traps and special effect spells is his bread and butter.

As John clears out the mounds, you and Nepeta cut your way through fish after fish; you with your sword, and Nepeta with her metal claws. You'd told her once that her character's metal claws made her look like Wolverine, and then you'd had to suffer through the long and painful conversation of explaining who Wolverine is. Since then, you've decided to save your X-Men related commentary for someone who didn't identify as a literal cat person.

So basically, anyone else in the guild.

Finally, the two of you manage to get close enough to Cetus to begin dealing damage to her, and within minutes you're throwing the final blow. The cutscene begins to roll with the beheaded hydra falling backwards dramatically, only to drop to the ground and explode into a flurry of grist, shale, boondollars, and various other treasures. You can see there are three different special items dropped, and it looks like Tavros has gotten one of them too. It's a Hydra Bone Lance that's way out of his level right now, but that will probably come in handy later on. Assuming that he builds his character correctly, of course.

“Fuck yeah!” you hear Vriska yell. “Cetus Scale Cape. The specs aren't half bad either... does anyone in the guild need agility and range? I'd be willing to part with it... for a price, of course.”

“Rose, what did you get?” John asks. “A necklace?”

“The Dark Waters Amulet,” Rose answers. “It boosts water and dark based spells, but mine rely on water and light... Equius could make use of it, but he'd probably want to bind it to something a little less... dainty.”

“Haha... yeah, probably,” John says, using that goofy voice that he only gets when he's talking to Rose. It makes you roll your eyes behind the shield of your sunglasses, but you brush this minor irritation off.

So what if John has the hots for Rose? Not like he'd get anywhere with her anyway. It's not that you're horribly uncomfortable with the idea, it's just that Rose is kind of like a sister at this point and you've always considered John as an awkward younger brother. The idea of him having a crush on her just kind of makes your skin crawl. It's because their being in a relationship would be too close to incest, and that fact has nothing to do with relationships of any kind being the last thing you want to think about right now.

And yet, here you are... thinking about them again.

As the others continue to chat excitedly about the successful dungeon completion, you hear one quick knock at your bedroom door. You slip your left headphone up off of your ear just in time to hear your Bro.

“Chinese food's on the counter.”

You sit there for another few seconds, weighing the decision of whether or not to get up and eat dinner. Turning your chair back to face your computer screen, you look at the time in the bottom right corner and decide that now would probably be a good point to pile up a plate and bring it back into your den. You don't have class again until Tuesday, so you make a mental note that tonight will be spent gorging yourself with sub par Chinese takeout and staying on the computer until way too fucking late.

“Food, I'll be right back,” you announce into your microphone before taking the headset off.

Pushing your chair away from your desk, you get up and make your way to the door. You unlock and open it to reveal the empty hallway that your Bro has already left. Heading to the kitchen, you see that Bro has actually decided to stay out for whatever reason, and is already enjoying his plate of food in front of the television. You watch him carefully as you walk over to the various takeout containers laid unceremoniously across the kitchen counter, silently hoping that he just stays there and leaves you alone. You're still not feeling overly social right now, and normally he can pick up when something's bothering you.

Into the kitchen you go, prying loose one of the paper plates from its stack and setting it on the counter. You grab a fork from the silverware drawer, in too foul of a mood to deal with that chopsticks bullshit, and scoop out everything from rice, to egg rolls, to some strange chicken type dish that you can't quite identify from the many containers, and soon your plate is so full that you decide a second, supporting plate would be a good idea. You grab a bottle of apple juice from the fridge, because it's delicious and goes with everything, and then you and your carefully held items are heading back to your room.

Bro doesn't say a word.

You kick your door shut behind you, but forgo the lock this time in lieu of your very full hands. As you get back to your desk you set your plate of food down first on the farthest side of your headset, then your apple juice on an empty spot between your turntables and monitor. It's still closed, so there's no risk of it spilling on your sweet setup. You put your headset back on and then pull the plate of food closer before shifting the apple juice over to the same side and further from your turntables.

“Back,” you say coolly, cutting off whoever was talking before.

“Welcome back!” John says as you take your first forkful of food.

“Oh, uh, welcome back Clock-, uh, I mean, Dave,” Tavros echos.

“Okay, whatever, so awesome of you to join us again,” Vriska says, her character already standing near the dungeon's exit. “Let's go already! No one in the guild chat is jumping on this cape and I want to put it up on the auction.”

“Alright, let's go,” you say after swallowing a particularly big chunk of rice. You're glad that you decided to get something to eat. Maybe it was because your mind has been so busy not thinking about Jade for the past two hours, but you hadn't realized how hungry you were until just now. “Nepeta, when does Equius get back from his archery classes?”

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began pestering CETUS DUNGEON RUN  \--  
AC: :33 oh, he's been home fur a while  
AC: :33 but he was kind of grrrumpy so i figured that he wanted to be left alone  
AC: :33 he did say he'd be on by 9:00, but it's also pawsible that he could be on sooner than that  
\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased pestering CETUS DUNGEON RUN  \--

That was kind of vague and useless, but you suppose something is better than nothing.

As you and your other guildmates exit the dungeon, you're surprised to see several other players waiting outside. Normally, this isn't that strange of an occurrence; people enter and exit dungeons all the time, so it's hardly even worth noting most of the time. Yet, there are two things that you notice immediately that make you stop chewing on the half finished egg roll in your mouth.

The first thing you notice is that none of these players are in your guild which, again, is hardly even a thing that needs to be mentioned most of the time. That's a problem here, though, because Cetus Dungeon is clearly located on one of Paradox's claimed territories. Non-guild members are strictly forbidden and attacked on sight if they refuse to leave. It's strictly business, of course, and unfortunately that's just the cutthroat nature of inter guild politics. With all of this in mind, seeing not just one, but five unfamiliar players on your turf is unsettling.

The second thing you notice is that not all of these players are unfamiliar, and the sixth of them you actually recognize even though it's been almost two years since you broke up. Vriska seems to have recognized her too, and her character stops right next to yours as the foreign group notices yours.

“... Terezi?” Vriska says aloud, rather than typing into Sburb's main screen. “What the hell is she doing here?”

_ R3D GL4R3: H1 VR1SK4, H1 D4V3. >:] _

At once then, you and your party are aggressed by the trespassers.


	4. >Come down for dinner.

**> Come down for dinner.**

“Not now mom!” you yell, quickly lining your character into position on the field. “I'm about to start a group fight.”

“Just pause it!” your mother shouts back from downstairs. “Or do I have to shut off the Internet to get you to come out of that room?”

“Mom! How many times do I have to tell you that's now how this game works!” you yell back, rolling your eyes at how frustratingly stupid she can be sometimes.

You just can't catch a break today.


	5. >Teach these trespassers a lesson.

**> Teach these trespassers a lesson.**

Well _obviously_ that's what you're going to do. Also, you don't need some bossy other worldly text command telling you what to do. Your guild may have only just acquired this land earlier this morning from whatever nobody guild had it before, but that's beside the point.

Cetus Dungeon is clearly on ~ATH territory, and no one outside of your highly selective and exclusive guild has access rights.

“What _losers_ ,” you say into your headset as you line your prince up on the battlefield. “Is that page even 40 yet? This fight's going to be too easy.”

_ Mindf8ng: Well look what the server dragged in! It's the lesser of the Scourge Sisters and her loser 8rigade! _  
_ Mindf8ng: I hope you don't have any valuable items to lose, 8ecause Paradox is about to kick your sorry asses. _  
_ R3D GL4R3: M4N YOU T4LK 4 LOT >:[ _

No one answers you right away, they seldom do, so you push your glasses higher up on the bridge of your nose before continuing.

“Also, Terezi, I didn't think I had to say this again but please don't start team fights without asking.”

“Eridan, shut the fuck up,” Karkat finally snaps back. “You only outrank her by one level, she doesn't have to clear shit with your pretentious hipster ass.”

Terezi snickers at this, and you huff at the indignation of it all.

“That's not the point! It's the principle of the matter,” you say matter-of-factly as the fight's start clock ticks down. “Kar, that's not how we do things around here. I get that she's your girlfriend and all, but she can't just run around doing whatever she wants whenever she wants.”

“Gamzee!” Karkat says, apparently ignoring your previous comment. “Put your stupid bong down for five seconds and get in the fight!”

“Huh?” you hear the confused, somewhat far away voice of Gamzee and then a bit of rustling. 

You roll your eyes at this, wondering yet again why you're forced to put up with these plebians. You're a legacy in this game with the character your older cousin gave you about a year ago. You're too good for this trash, but here you are putting up with this bossy knight and his stoner roommate.

“Sorry about that motherfuckers,” Gamzee says as he finally joins in on the fight. “I just got this shit today, and man it's all kinds of wonder mirth, you feel?”

“Gamzee, on a scale of pies to Thanksgiving dinner, how baked are you right now?” Terezi says, far too amused with this pathetic behavior.

“Bitchtits, my turkey is stuffed to shit right now.”

“Oh my cod,” you scoff, and you can hear Karkat grumble over the headset. You once said this phrase on accident while you were out with Feferi at a seafood place downtown, and since then you've kind of accepted it as your thing. Everyone needs a thing, this is just fact, and yours and Fef's has become these really clever fish puns. You think that they're pretty neat, but most of the time your guildmates aren't cultured enough to get the jokes.

This thing is certainly better than your previous thing, which used to be a pretty bad speech impediment on words with the letters 'w' and 'v'. Fortunately, your parents paid for some pretty top notch speech therapy and now you only slip up on pronunciation when you're pretty riled up. No one in the guild knows about your speech therapy, or even your previously hindered speech; not even Sollux. That kind of thing is sort of really embarrassing, so you like to think of it as your deep, dark secret. Then again, it also probably hasn't been an issue because your speech impediment and therapy were both things that existed long before you even started playing this game. 

Like any deep, dark secret, you have to leave little hints to people that it exists so you've taken to typing out how you used to talk. You're really cagey about it and never really explain to your guildmates why you type this way, but it's a pretty obvious hint in your opinion. If they haven't figured it out on their own, then they're even slower than you'd thought. 

It doesn't cross your mind that maybe your fellow guildies just don't care all that much.

“Should one of us let Sollux know about this?” Kanaya asks, pulling your thoughts back to the call. “Paradox is a pretty big guild, and I can't imagine that this sort of kerfuffle will be without its ramifications.”

“Yeah, Dave gets pretty butthurt about stuff like this,” Terezi responds.

“Wait, wait, this is Dave's guild?” Karkat asks, his knight landing a critical hit on their seer, Fluthlu. “Hold on, is he in this fucking fight right now?”

“Hehe, what's the matter Karkles?” Terezi teases as her own seer blocks the thief, Mindf8ng's incoming attack. “Jealous?”

“No, I'm not jealous! That guy's just a huge tool.”

“You haven't even met him!” Terezi laughs. “You _are_ jealous!”

“Nevermind, forget it. Just shut up and focus on the fight,” Karkat growls.

You don't understand how Karkat can put up with Terezi sometimes; she really seems to push his buttons. Now, if you were dating Karkat you'd never do such a thing. You'd be nothing but a perfect gentleman to him, and the two of you would probably really hit it off. Then again... Karkat can be kind of uptight sometimes, and the guy is always angry about something. Maybe it's Terezi who has to do the putting up with. You're not one to say that you'd probably be a better match for either of them, but facts are facts! 

Honestly, any of these losers would be lucky to have you as a boyfriend.

Your prince obliterates the enemy page with a blast of his wand, and your thin lips pull into a triumphant smirk. One down, five to go.

“So... back to my initial question,” Kanaya says as she casts an area of effect protection spell on your team. “Should one of us send Sollux a message about this, or should we just wait until he logs in?”

“... I guess I'll do it,” you volunteer with an overly dramatic sigh, trying your hardest not to sound like you really, really want an excuse to privately message Sollux. “I mean, the guy's my sister's ex so it's kind of awkward, but I guess if somebody has to-”

“I could do it,” you hear Aradia say suddenly, reminding you of her presence in the call as she cuts you off. “I wouldn't want things to be awkward between you two.”

“No!” you say a little too loudly, and you quickly catch your faux pas. “I mean... I already said I'd do it, so I'll do it.”

“Oh, alright then,” Aradia says, dropping the matter with, thankfully, no more of a fuss than that.

The call has gotten quiet again, each member focusing on their roles in this fight, and so you open up your Pesterchum. You should probably be focusing completely on the task at hand, but you're honestly not that concerned over the outcome. All six of your team is still up, and the enemy guild is now disadvantaged with a team of five. Their rogue has also been chipped down to about half health at this point, so you decide that you can probably afford to be a bit distracted.

Though he's the leader of your guild, you and Sollux don't talk with each other as much as you would like. You guess that that probably has something to do with the fact that Feferi broke up with him. That, or because you threw him out of the apartment the three of you shared shortly afterward. It's probably the first thing, though, because come on! There's no way he can still be mad at you for something so small. You couldn't have your sister's hot ex just walking around the apartment like he owned the place, it was just bad taste! You had been the good, protective brother and kindly told him to get out, and you can hardly be faulted for that.

Plus, that was like, half a year ago so if he is still upset, it's high time for him to move on.

Glancing back to Sburb's main screen for a moment, you send your prince in to suppress their heir, PrankBusters, before he can reverse Aradia's life leeching spell.

You reach up to tuck a stray piece of dark brown hair behind your ear and then straighten up some in your chair. Minimizing the screen once more, your attention shifts back to your Pesterchum. Personal politics aside, you'd accepted the task of telling Sollux about this latest development and so you open up a chat window with him. His Pesterchum status indicates that he's busy, but it almost always says that so he probably really isn't all that busy right now.

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] \--  
CA: hey sol  
CA: wwhats up

You stare really hard at the chat between you two for a solid minute, waiting to see if he'll message you back. He doesn't always message back right away, even if he's online. You don't take it personally; he's a busy guy and he obviously would without any hesitation if he weren't so darn busy all the time.

“Eridan!” Karkat's voice suddenly shouts into your ears, making you jump in your seat. “Are you just going to sit there and let their knight keep mincing you or are you going to pay attention to the fucking fight? Don't worry! It's not like our claim to this piece of shit territory could be at stake or anything. Please, continue staring off into whatever vapid stupidity has caught your peanut sized attention span while your team carries your useless fucking pixels!”

“Jeez! Calm down Kar,” you say, opening up Sburb's main screen to see that you're prince has already lost a quarter of his health. “I'm paying attention, I was just lagging a bit!”

“Bullshit you were lagging,” Karkat mutters back. “Just pay attention.”

You knock back the knight, Clockwork, with little difficulty and fire back a retaliatory blast from your wand. You're fortunate enough to knock him into a rock, so your attack does double its usual damage and takes a nice chunk of the knight's health. Backing up to a farther away spot on the map, you set your prince to cast various shield supporting spells before returning once more to the chat you'd opened with Sollux. To your dismay, he still hasn't answered and so you decide to message him again.

CA: sol seriously ivve got some pretty big newws  
CA: so if youre just sittin there wworkin on some stupid code or somethin  
CA: you should probably stop because youre goin to wwant to knoww about this  
\-- twinsArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

What?!

The nerve of that guy closing out your chat when you're trying to tell him something! Well, he's got another thing coming if he thinks he can just get rid of you that easily.

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] \--  
CA: haha  
CA: really funny sol  
CA: but i knoww youre there noww and im not goin awway until you answwer me  
\-- twinsArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

Now that's just rude, what if you were dying or something? Granted, you probably wouldn't still be typing into your chat client if you were dying, but the fact of the matter stands!

“ERIDAN!” Karkat yells, making you immediately reopen Sburb to see that you're now down to half health.

“Sorry!” you say quickly, returning fire on the attacking thief.

“Wait, no don't!” Karkat snaps, but it's too late and at once your halved health drops to a measily quarter and you hear Karkat curse out a slew of obscenities over the headset. “Eridan she literally _just_ cast a reflection spell on herself! This is what I'm fucking talking about, you need to pay attention or you're going to cost us this fight! If you want something to tell Sollux, why don't you tell him how your dumb fuckery cost us the territory he finally managed to take this morning!”

“I said I was sorry Kar, lay off a guy,” you grumble, moving your character closer to Terezi's seer for a healing spell. “And it's not me, it's this lag...”

“If you blame your nonexistent lag one more fucking time I'm going to personally drive to your apartment and strangle you with your own ethernet cable.”

Okay, you really should pay more attention to this fight now. You've got the lowest health on your team and it's making you look like a scrub. Someone must have finished off that rogue because she's no longer on the screen, and it seems like the primary focus now is their seer. Her health keeps fluctuating, probably from healing herself, but she's still significantly lower than she was at the start of the fight.

“Hey Gamzee,” you say. “How many charges are on your life curse?”

“Uh... shit, hold on,” Gamzee says, disengaging his bard from its attack on their knight. “Let's see... three turns. I up and fucking used it on the rogue earlier so it's not full yet.”

“That should be fine,” Karkat says, apparently picking up on your train of thought. “Curse the seer, and then I'll focus her. If you five can keep the others distracted, I can probably finish her in three turns.”

“If she's worth anything, she'll probably dump the rest of her mana into boosting the others,” Terezi says. “And a souped up heir isn't exactly an easy kill.”

“I could probably dampen some of its affects with my spell absorption,” Aradia offered. “But it's 40% less effective on heirs.”

“That's still probably the best way to proceed,” Kanaya remarked. “If they kill Eridan before we take out their seer, we'll be down quite a bit of power.”

“They're not going to kill me,” you say defensively, moving a bit closer to Terezi's heals despite this.

“Yeah, well, given your current track record I'm not willing to gamble on your attention span,” Karkat says. “Do it Gamzee, focus the seer.”

“You got it motherfucker.”

You all go forward with this plan, and its taking all of your willpower to focus on the fight and not on how Sollux isn't answering you. Bit by bit, the seer is losing her battle against Karkat but, as predicted, she's laying on her heals and ability boosts pretty thick. The others seem to be doing their best to combat the rest of you, and the fight is in a bit of a stalemate as this goes on. Finally, though, with one more swing of his sickle Karkat manages to finish off their seer. Aradia quickly casts a final death spell on her remains, canceling out her innate passive ability to resurrect upon another teammate's death.

“Nice!” Terezi says, casting a quick healing spell on Karkat's knight as if to add to her praise. “We should probably focus that heir next.”

Well, that was a roller coaster and a half! You now feel a bit more comfortable with minimizing Sburb again, so you set your wizard into an automatic attack sequence before opening your chat with Sollux once more.

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] \--  
CA: im back  
CA: sorry but i wwas kind of busy dealin wwith that thing that i told you is really important for you to knoww

Regardless of the team fight, you're not giving up until Sollux answers you.


	6. >Sollux: Answer this troll already.

**> Sollux: Answer this troll already.**

To be fair, he isn't really a troll so much as a pompous hipster asshole. You really don't feel like talking to him or, quite honestly, anyone right now. You've got far too many assignments to finish if you want to get on Sburb for even a couple hours tonight. Closing the chat box only seems to be encouraging your annoyingly persistent guild member, though, so this time you just minimize it instead.

With any luck, you can finish explaining the mechanics of the coding you received in class before having to respond. The assignment isn't due until Monday, but you like to get a jump on everything before really enjoying your weekend. You reread the last line of your written response to refresh yourself on your previous train of thought, and then continue on where you left off. Unfortunately, you only finish one sentence before Eridan's chat box starts flashing in your task bar.

You quickly click the chat box to open it, then minimize it once more before reading what was written. Rereading your last two sentences, you don't even begin typing up the next one before the box starts flashing again. You grumble at this, minimizing your assignment this time and reopening the chat box. 

This douchebag really isn't going to leave you alone until you answer, is he?

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] \--  
CA: im back  
CA: sorry but i wwas kind of busy dealin wwith that thing that i told you is really important for you to knoww  
TA: ok iim here FUCK.  
TA: what do you want ED?  
TA: and make iit quiick ii have a lot two do.  
CA: wwoww howw rude  
CA: here i am bein pleasant and forthcomin wwith important ~ATH information an you cant evven start wwith a friendly hello  
TA: ok, bye.  
CA: wwait  
CA: ok ill just tell you since youre twwistin my arm and all

This guy is such a tool. If it wasn't for Feferi, you would have kicked him out of your guild the day he joined. In fact, you're pretty sure Karkat had asked you to do just that way back when your guild was still just a blip on the server. To make matters worse, ever since Eridan started playing his cousin's character he's actually become a pretty useful member. This, of course, has inflated his already oversized ego that much more, and he's become an even bigger pain in your ass.

You continue watching the chat screen, but it seems like whatever he has to tell you must be taking him a moment to type. Now would probably be a good time for a stretch break, you decide, so you roll your chair away from your desktop and do just that. Your legs feel stiff from sitting in one spot for too long, and one of them pops as you stand up. Stretching your arms out to your sides, you become aware of the fact that you kind of have to pee. One more glimpse at the chat box confirms that Eridan is still working on a response, so you take advantage of this delay to go to the bathroom. 

Your bare feet step from wooden flooring to cold, white tile as you step inside and flip the lights on. You lock the door behind you, as you do with most doors in your apartment, even though you're the only one living here. It's a security thing, and despite the fact that there's no one to disturb you, this adds an extra bit of comfort to your solitary lifestyle.

Passing yourself in the mirror, you ignore your reflection as you make a beeline for the toilet. You unbutton your jeans and relieve yourself, then venture back into the mirror's view to wash your hands. Milk and honey scented foam soap squishes into your palm when you push down the dispenser's pump, and you bring your hands together to clean them. 

It's only now that you stop to view your reflection, and it's not much different than every other time you've seen yourself. Your short, black hair is a little messy, but it's night time and you're not going anywhere so that doesn't really matter. The oval, wire frame glasses in front of your narrow eyes are sitting neatly on the bridge of your nose, allowing you to see with perfect clarity the strange blue streak of heterochromia disrupting the brown of your right eye. It's something unique that some of your friends think is pretty cool, but you've always just thought that it makes you look like a freak. Fortunately, your prescription sunglasses usually hide both your eyes when you're out in public so most of the time you don't have to deal with people staring at it.

Also your sunglasses are pretty cool, and you'd much rather people stare at them instead.

As if your weird eye doesn't make you stand out enough, you also have a light lisp when you talk. Before you got braces, your teeth were pretty messed up which gave you this stupid lisp in the first place, and even though your teeth are straightened out now you still haven't managed to fully shake it. You've been told that it's a lot more subtle than you think it is, that it's really only noticeable on words with multiple 's' sounds, but you don't really believe that. You're already a pretty introverted guy, so having this quirk to your speech just makes you that much more reluctant to talk to people. It took more than a little bit of persuading to convince you to join a call with your other guild members for the first time, and without Aradia's persistence you probably never would have. Your voice and the way you talk is just one small slice of all the things you hate about yourself, and it's not even breaking into the top ten on your list anymore. 

You dry your hands on the yellow hand towel hanging off to the side of the mirror, unlock your bathroom door, and then you're making your way back to your bedroom. Your bedroom door is locked once more, and you settle back into your computer chair to read what Eridan has typed in your absence.

CA: so you remember that territory that you kar ter and kan took this mornin  
CA: wwell wwe all decided to try out the dungeon there  
CA: you knoww cetus dungeon  
CA: it wwent great by the wway an wwe got a lot of really good drops from it  
CA: anywway wwe finish the dungeon run and wwouldnt you knoww that before wwe can leavve a wwhole bunch a players from this other guild are finishin the dungeon too  
CA: so ter aggresses them because obvviously wwe cant havve just anyone wwaltzin into our territory and takin our loot  
CA: i mean i told her that she should a let me or kar initiate the fight since wwere higher up in rank but thats kind of beside the point  
CA: so now wwere finishin up this fight wwith them an wwe thought that wwe should tell you

You read through all of this without much concern; it's not that uncommon to have to show your guild's clout on this game, and aggressing nonmembers on ~ATH territory is pretty standard stuff. This doesn't really sound like something that you needed to be looped in on, and you're a little annoyed that your guildies decided it was so important that you had to be interrupted.

TA: 2o what, diid you guy2 lo2e the fiight or 2omethiing?  
TA: because iim not 2eeiing the poiint two loopiing me iin on thiis riight now when iim tryiing two fiinii2h my homework a22iignment2.  
CA: yeah i dont really get wwhy kan wwas so insistent on tellin you this  
CA: noww that im readin it it seems like some pretty basic stuff

You sigh irritably at this; your time is more valuable than having meaningless, circular conversations with this guy. If you had a boondollar for every time this asshole decided to interrupt your daily life with whatever idiotic excuse he could come up with you could buy a new ~ATH guildhouse. You can feel yourself starting to get angry over this, so you take a deep breath before typing anything else.

You should probably hurry up and finish this conversation or Eridan might set you off.

TA: 2o that'2 iit then?  
TA: you guy2 defended our terriitory from some other guiild, good fuckiing job, thank2 for wa2tiing my tiime.  
CA: dont get all huffy sol i wwas just tryin to be a good guiild member an pass along the message  
CA: if you wwant to be mad at someone then be mad at kan  
CA: she wwas the one that said i should tell you

This does make you stop for a moment, because now it's sounding like telling you was Kanaya's idea, not Eridan's. It brings a different light onto the situation, and while you really want to stop talking to this guy and get back to your homework, you decide that you should probably get some more information.

TA: GA told you two tell me thii2?  
CA: yeah it wwas totally her idea  
CA: i wwas just followwin orders  
TA: ...  
TA: ED, what guiild are the2e a22hole2 iin?  
CA: oh right  
CA: some guild called paradox i guess  
CA: kan thinks theyre some hotshot guild but i dont knoww ivve nevver heard a them

Your eyes widen at this, because Eridan is an even bigger idiot than you took him for. Paradox isn't like the pushover guild ~ATH had taken this territory from. In fact, it's one of the largest guilds on the server right now, and one of the most powerful to boot. Then again, it really isn't all that surprising that Eridan isn't up to date on anything that doesn't directly pertain to him on this game. It's part of the reason he's only a sub par prince and only has the one maxed out character that he got from his cousin. He likes to tell everyone he's this elite, hardcore gamer, but if casual had a definition he'd be it.

Either way, you've gotten all you probably can out of Eridan so it's time to end this conversation and talk to someone who can give you some real answers.

TA: ok thank2 for the iinformatiion.  
TA: bye.  
CA: wwait  
CA: i mean i kind a got killed during the fight so i dont really havve much else to do right now  
CA: do you wwant to play some online battleships or somethin  
\-- twinsArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA] \--  
CA: yeah you said youre busy wwith homewwork an stuff  
CA: maybe some other time  
\-- twinsArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA] \--

Looking through your Pesterchum, you see that Kanaya is currently online. She obviously recognized the implications of attacking Paradox, so you decide that she would probably be the best one to contact. Paradox was created and is lead by the player Clockwork, who has been recognized as the most powerful knight currently in the game. Under his rule, Paradox has amassed an impressive stretch of territory and you're not sure whether to take their appearance in one of your dungeons as a direct challenge or a mere blatant disrespect for territory borders. Either way, it would seem that this is in fact something you should be concerned with.

You open up a chat with Kanaya, but before you begin typing you remember what else Eridan had said; Terezi had been the one to aggress them. Come to think of it, you're pretty sure that she was also a member of Paradox before she and Karkat started going out. It was a while back, but maybe she'd have more information. You close out the chat with Kanaya, and open one with Terezi instead.

\-- twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--  
TA: TZ, are you guy2 2tiill iin the fiight?  
GC: Y34H, HOLD ON

You minimize the window and reopen your homework assignment once more. The fight is probably drawing to a close, but there's a chance that Terezi could still be busy for a while and you really need to finish this assignment. You relax in your chair, read over what you have so far, and within moments you're typing out the remainder of your explanation. 

It takes a solid 18 minutes to fully write and proofread your assignment, but at the end you're confident that you've fully analyzed and interpreted the code you'd received. The code in and of itself wasn't that hard to read, but explaining it on a pedestrian level that everyone can understand is easier said than done. Saving your document one final time, you close it and take a look at the time. It's only 8:42, and now you only have two smaller things to finish, one of which you'd already gotten started on earlier. Now's probably a good stopping point, so you tuck away your loose notes, close up your binder and stash it all into the empty shelf space under your desk.

You're kind of surprised you haven't heard from Terezi yet. 

You open your chat box with her once again to make sure that you haven't just somehow missed her message. There's no new text, and now you're starting to worry about your recently claimed territory. Eridan had made it sound like defending it from Paradox would be simple, but it wouldn't be the first time he'd underestimated an enemy. Then again, you also don't know when the fight started so maybe it's not running all that long at all.

Whatever the case is, it's about time you logged in and got these guys back on track.

Opening Sburb, you sign in and wait for the character selection screen to load. It doesn't take very long, and you're quick to select your main, Gemiinii. In case it wasn't painfully obvious by now, you have a bit of an affinity for your astrological sign. You can't say that you really believe in astrology itself, but it's still pretty cool to think about. Plus, it kind of suits your penchant for bifurcation in logic and in life. Symmetry, duality, balance... you'd compare it to the ideas of yin and yang, but that's too close to hitting on one of your major pet peeves. 

You're Korean, and only half at that. Not Chinese, not Japanese; Korean. Despite this, whenever the Chinese New Year celebrations roll around some idiot always asks you how you're going to celebrate or what the zodiac of the upcoming year will be. You've heard the jokes about Jackie Chan more times than you care to recount, and you avoided anime and manga like the plague throughout high school after an overly enthusiastic classmate started chattering to you in Japanese. It's something small that really irritates you, but you suppose there are worse things in life.

Before long you're in the game and as coincidences would have it, Terezi finally messages you again.

GC: SORRY 4BOUT TH4T  
GC: 1 FORGOT HOW H4RD D4V3 W4S TO K1LL >:[  
GC: BUT W3 WON 4ND GOT SOM3 PR3TTY SW33T LOOT FROM TH3M  
TA: who2 dave?  
GC: OH, TH4T'S CLOCKWORK'S 4CTU4L N4M3  
TA: oh, good two know.  
TA: waiit, dave a2 iin your ex, dave?  
GC: UNFORTUN4T3LY  
TA: eheheh, doe2 KK know that that wa2 hiim?  
GC: H3 DO3S NOW, 4ND YOU SHOULD H34R TH1S C4LL  
GC: H3'S THROW1NG SUCH 4 H1SSY F1T OV3R 1T >:]  
TA: iill con2iider my2self lucky two have mii22ed iit then.  
TA: 2o what happened? diid they 2ay why they were there?  
GC: NO, TH3Y D1DN'T  
GC: BUT KNOW1NG D4V3, 1T'S PROB4BLY JUST H1M FUCK1NG W1TH US OR SOM3TH1NG  
GC: TH4T OR MY COUS1N TRY1NG TO ST4RT SOM3TH1NG  
TA: 2hould ii be concerned or...?  
GC: PROB4BLY NOT. W3 G4V3 TH3M 4 PR3TTY THOROUGH B34T DOWN  
GC: 3V3N W1TH 3R1D4N PR4CT1C4LLY THROW1NG TH3 F1GHT  
TA: two be faiir, thii2 ii2 ED were talkiing about here.  
GC: Y34H, 1'M NOT SUR3 WH4T MOR3 W3 W3R3 3XP3CT1NG FROM H1M >:[  
GC: 1T 4CTU4LLY 3ND3D UP B31NG 4 PR3TTY CLOS3 M4TCH  
GC: BUT SOM3TH1NG H4PP3N3D W1TH VR1SK4'S CH4R4CT3R 4ND SH3 3ND3D UP D1SCONN3CT1NG B3FOR3 TH3 3ND OF TH3 F1GHT  
TA: ii 2tiill dont under2tand why 2he wont joiin ~ATH.  
GC: 1T'S 4 PR1D3 TH1NG  
GC: SH3 W4NTS P4R4DOX TO B3 TH3 B1GG3ST, B4DD3ST GU1LD 4ROUND  
GC: TOO B4D TH4T T1TL3'S 4LR34DY T4K3N >;]  
TA: damn 2traiight.  
TA: okay, well we need to 2tart deciidiing how were goiing two buiild up thii2 terriitory 2o that thiis doe2nt happen agaiin.  
TA: al2o two diistriibute the loot you guy2 won.  
GC: W3'R3 4LL S3T UP 1N 4 C4LL 4LR34DY, W4NT M3 TO 4DD YOU?  
TA: yeah, that2 fiine.  
\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA] \--

Well, it sounds like your guild members have already had a pretty exciting start to their night. You're just glad that this all resolved itself before you logged in. There's far too much to do with this new territory to be worrying about some enemy guild messing things up. Terezi doesn't seem to think that this Dave person is going to be bothering your guild again, so for now you'll let this event slide as a one time transgression.

You probably won't hear from that guy or his guild again.


	7. >Stop yelling.

**> Stop yelling.**

“No mom! I'm not going to stop yelling,” you continue to yell as you plug the modem back into the wall. “I can't believe this! Do you have any idea what you just did? For fuck's sake we actually had a chance of winning!”

“Watch your mouth, young lady!” your mother shouts back. “One more word out of you and I'll disconnect it for good, I mean it!”

You know this threat is all too real, so you express your frustration with a loud mixture between an infuriated scream and a petulant whine as you storm back upstairs to your room. You slam your door, and within seconds you can hear your mother once more.

“Damn it Vriska, come back downstairs and eat your dinner!”

“Give me a minute! God!” you snap back, quickly opening up a chat with Dave.

\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
AG: Well????????  
AG: Any chance we 8eat them even with my stupid mother 8utting in???????  
TG: what  
TG: did you really expect me to be able to 1v3 them  
TG: i know im basically a god at this game but right now my miracle supply is running lower than a plumbers ass crack  
TG: we lost dude you can kiss that cape goodbye  
TG: they got all our drops and we basically just wasted obscene amounts of time on this shit  
AG: AAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!  
\-- arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--


	8. >Figure out what just happened.

**> Figure out what just happened.**

That would be what everyone in the call is wondering, but you don't really have any more answers than the rest of them. It would be too easy to just assume Terezi somehow knew where you were, crossed over into your territory with her guildmates, and planned this attack to mess with you. This would be an easy assumption, but unfortunately that just doesn't seem very likely to you. In fact, from the looks of it, she and her party had just finished the dungeon as well.

The real question is why she and her guild would have run a dungeon on Paradox territory.

That's the part of all of this that doesn't make sense, and you're in too foul of a mood over this debacle to just let it go. ~ATH is no chump change guild, and their leader, Gemiinii, is definitely up there as far as skilled players go. You haven't checked the rankings recently, but he's probably one of the most powerful mages on the server. That said, he's always guided ~ATH into much more subtle, carefully executed efforts in territory conquest. He wasn't in the fight so there's always the chance that this was just some freak thing, but that doesn't answer why his guild members were traipsing around like they owned the place.

Vriska messages you, but you only get a few moments to talk with her before she disconnects once more. It sounds like her mother's giving her grief again, and you've never been more thankful that you live with your pretty chill Bro in this sweet, parental free setup. 

“So...” John says, breaking the stunned silence of the call. “Now what?”

“Perhaps we should tell the rest of the guild to avoid Cetus Dungeon for the time being?” Rose offers, to which you're quick to respond.

“Fuck that. Cetus is on Paradox territory, that dungeon belongs to us,” you pause, but not for long before issuing your next command.

_**(G)** Clockwork: from now on ~ath and its members are to be treated as an invading guild _  
_**(G)** Clockwork: anyone who catches them near paradox territory will be expected to aggress on sight _

“... doesn't that seem a bit... hasty?” Rose says, her reluctance to follow this order apparent in her voice.

“I don't care,” you say flatly, getting angrier with the whole situation. “Fuck those guys. ~ATH doesn't have any more access to our territory than any other foreign guild. I don't know about you, but I'm not letting these guys treat us like their bitch.”

“I see... and you're certain this has nothing to do with ~ATH being Terezi's new guild?”

“Rose, why the hell would that bother me?” you say. “In case you've forgotten, _I_ broke up with her.”

“I recall.”

“Good, then we're done discussing this. For all intents and purposes, ~ATH is an invading guild and that's really all there is to say on the matter.”

The call falls into an awkward sort of silence once more, and now you're too irritated with everything to stop and think things through. All that comes to mind is how many boondollars worth of drops you all lost, how bullshit it is that this guild was just waiting for you at the end of the dungeon, and Jade.

Then your thoughts get stuck on Jade, and you're right back to square one.

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began pestering CETUS DUNGEON RUN  \--  
AC: :33 equius is on!

You look at the clock, and it's already 11:12 pm.

“Oh awesome. Just two fucking hours after he said he'd be on,” you say caustically.

AC: :33 sorry  
AC: :33 he purrbably got held up

“Yeah, well, he can take my spot,” you grumble. “I'm getting off for the night.”

AC: :33 oh... ok  
\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased pestering CETUS DUNGEON RUN  \--

You hang up from the call before anyone can protest or try to talk you into staying on. This whole day has just gone from shit to worse, and you've had enough. You get up and set your computer to hibernate, deciding that you don't want to give anyone the chance to pester you either. Removing your headset, you irritably toss it onto the seat of your computer chair. You clear the stretch of carpet from your desk to your bed in a few steps, flopping onto your back once you get there.

Your mattress sinks a bit under your weight, and you fail to care as your hair gets mussed from its uneven contact with the hood of your jacket and your pillow. The ceiling above you is a speckled white, popcorn ceiling that looks to be more of a grayish hue with your sunglasses on. Staring up at it, you think about how you should get up and brush your teeth if you're going to go to sleep. You can always just shower in the morning, but ultra toxic morning breath isn't exactly a pleasant thing to wake up to. There's also the matter of the now empty paper plate and glass devoid of apple juice. You really shouldn't leave them in your room overnight, that's how ants happen.

It's a small train of thought, but it's better than thinking about your doubly bitchslapped pride.

Unfortunately, regardless of the menial tasks at hand, you really don't want to get up and you're surprisingly comfortable as you lie in your bed, even with the lumpy feel of your hood bunched up between your head and neck. You close your eyes behind the dark of your shades, blocking out the bright fluorescent lighting of your bedroom.

_“I'm sorry Dave, but I just don't feel that way about you anymore.”_

You open your eyes again as you're met with that unwanted memory, and that's all it takes for you to force yourself to get up and turn off the lights. The fresh darkness in your room hasn't even gotten a chance to settle when your cell phone lights up, and you fumble briefly back over to your desk to retrieve it. There's a new text message from John, but instead of reading it you hold down the button to switch your phone off. 

Whatever it is can wait until morning.

When you go back to your bed, you remove your sunglasses and set them on the makeshift desk under your bedside window. Instead of lying back down, you just sit on the edge of your mattress and let yourself stare into the barely there impressions of the shadowy items in your room. 

Maybe Jade isn't your soul mate or your one and only true love or whatever, but she is a really nice girl who dumped you without really giving any legitimate reason. She just broke up with you because... you're _you_. You didn't having some massive fight, you didn't do something to drive her crazy on a daily basis... she just wasn't into you anymore. It sucks, and even though the breakup happened hours and hours ago, you still aren't sure how to take that. You've never been dumped before, and now that you're experiencing the other end of it for yourself, you kind of feel bad for how you've ended things in the past. It's an added pang of guilt that you really don't need right now, and you haven't felt this uncool in years.

You breathe a heavy sigh, pulling up your hoodie and shirt over your head. Wadding up the two, you throw them off into some unseen corner of your bedroom and finally lay back down on your bed. The comforter is a little too warm on your bare back, so you decide to skip shuffling under it and just rest on top of it instead. You adjust to lie on your side, facing your wall, and with a bit of patience your russet colored eyes are soon losing their battle with sleep.

At least today is finally over.


	9. ==>

**== >**

You awake the next morning to the early afternoon sunlight filling your bedroom. Reaching up to wipe some of the crust from your eyes, you're quickly met with the disgusting awareness of your rancid morning breath. It's gross enough to make you sit up, and you decide that now is probably a good a time as any to start the day.

You stretch your arms out to loosen their previous stiffness, and your right shoulder pops from the freshly relieved burden of laying on your side. Your room always looks weird to you first thing in the morning, but the retrieval and placement of your aviator shades is quick to rectify this. A yawn escapes you as you stand, and you can't help but wrinkle your nose at the smell.

Okay, you really should have brushed your teeth last night.

Stepping over your crumpled shirt and hoodie on the floor, you leave your room and make your way down the hall to the bathroom. It's smack dab in between your and your Bro's rooms, and for this reason more than one spar has ensued over first access to it. Fortunately, he's either still sleeping or has already left for the day as the bathroom is devoid of activity. 

The bathroom tiles are cold on your bare feet, but you do your best to ignore it. You make quick work of slaying your dragon breath by means of your red toothbrush and some minty fresh toothpaste, and at this point you notice the feel of grime sticking to your skin. While you're here working on basic personal hygiene, you might as well take a shower. 

You turn to lock the bathroom door, then return to place your sunglasses next to the sink. Your feet find purchase on the soft bathroom rug, which is considerably more pleasant to stand on than the bathroom tiles. Shimmying out of your blue jeans and boxers, you kick them into a sort of makeshift path to the shower to spare your feet from having to brave the tiles once more. Unfortunately, the shower itself also has tiled flooring so you're forced to abandon these tactics as you step inside. 

A quick twist of the knob sets the temperature to your shower, and at once the hot water rushes over you. Your too-long blonde hair is almost immediately matted down, and you make quick work of pushing it out of your face. The stainless steel rack that sits neatly in one corner of your shower houses a plethora of hair care and body wash products, most of which belong to your Bro. Your own products sit on the bottom shelf, and its from here that you withdraw your Axe two in one shampoo and conditioner. Opening the bottle with a soft 'pop', you close your eyes and breathe in the scent as it mingles with the warm steam of your shower.

This shit smells so good.

You squeeze out a decent amount in your hand, then snap the bottle shut once more. Your fingers work the product into a thick lather in your hair, and it's as if all your troubles flow down the drain with the dirty water. A nice, sudsy scrub with your Old Spice, Hawkridge body wash follows, and before long you're rinsing off.

Thoughts of assignments, Jade, and ~ATH are far from your mind as you enjoy this relaxing morning shower. 

All good things have to come to an end, though, and after a bit of mental preparation you turn the shower back off. The steam is still thick around you, and it bellows out as you push the curtain aside. Fortunately for you, the bathroom is still pretty hot and humid so you're spared from the cold as you step back across your path of clothes and onto the bathroom rug. You leisurely dry yourself off with one of the plush white towels, scanning the mirror as you do so for any new messages.

[](http://imgur.com/7liz1h0)

Doesn't look like there's anything new, at least not in this corner of the mirror.

The rest of the mirror has been filled up for a while now, but neither you nor your Bro has taken up the task of wiping the gold that is your mirror messages away. So, for the moment, anything and everything new mostly appears in the upper left corner.

Aviator shades are placed unceremoniously back on the bridge of your nose, rectifying your view of the world for a second time today. You wrap your towel around your waist and head back to your room, deciding to come back for the dirty jeans and boxers once you've gotten some fresh clothes on. It doesn't take long for you to change into new boxers, a clean tee shirt and, because you're feeling especially lazy today, a pair of lounge pants. You also don't feel like taking multiple trips out of your room, so you carefully scoop up your discarded shirt and hoodie from the night before in one arm, and gather what remains of your Chinese food dinner in the other. Your hand is freed long enough to open the door, and then you're dropping by the bathroom for a second time to collect the rest of your clothes.

Shuffling over to the kitchen, you deposit the remains of your Chinese food into the garbage can, opening the top with a step of your foot on its little flippy lever. You don't know what the little flippy lever is called, but it certainly is handy in just this sort of scenario. The lid shuts, and as it does you notice that the kitchen smells like syrup and pancakes. You don't see any breakfast, so it's highly likely that Bro had just made something tasty earlier.

He made pancakes and didn't offer you any? Kind of selfish, you decide, and you make a mental note not to share pancakes with him in the future. You never really make pancakes, but if you did you now have made it the utmost priority to definitely not let Bro have any.

What were you doing again?

With two hands, you can now more easily carry your clothes from the day prior and you make short work of dumping them in your laundry hamper next to the washing machine. You used to keep this in your room, but you had one too many instances of running out of clean clothes and then having to do a massive load of laundry for that. It being out here means that you're forced to leave your room, which is nearly always a hassle, and acknowledge the amount of laundry currently contained therein. Fortunately, you did a load a few days ago so the hamper is still fairly empty.

You slide the door to the utilities closet shut and kick at a stray smuppet as you walk back to your room. It's pretty quiet right now, and Bro has either turned off his music completely or, as is more likely, he's turned it down so low that there's really no point to even having it on. You don't really understand the things he does all the time, but you'd never admit that. More so, you can't really say that you dwell on it all that much.

Bro is just Bro, and that's really all there is to say on the matter.

Reentering your room, you notice the time. It's almost noon, and it would seem that you've slept in a bit longer than you'd intended. Not that you really have anywhere to be today, but that's time you could have been logging on Sburb.

Speaking of logging on...

You wake your computer back up, and as it too rises to greet the day you take a moment to turn your cell phone on. It'll take a minute to load up, so you set it beside your computer before opening up Pesterchum.

You don't expect the 14 offline messages and four flashing chat boxes that you're immediately met with. Your eyes widen slightly behind your sunglasses, but your disciplined expression stays flat save for that. It would appear that your absence was noted more than you would have thought, and you open the first box to read what has been sent.

\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--   
AC: :33 dave please log in soon!   
AC: :33 equius said im not meowed to log back on until he talks to you   
\-- arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--

Wow, that's kind of controlling even by Equius' standards.

Your phone begins to vibrate next to your computer, and does so again as you pick it up. You have six missed messages, and now you're starting to think that something's up. A new message appears in one of now three flashing chat boxes, so you decide to open that one next.

\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--   
TT: While I'm sure that you thought your little impromptu command and log out was sufficiently badass and without consequence, it would appear that the contrary is true.   
TT: What I'm trying to say is, we have a situation, Mr. President.   
TT: Though, now that I'm rereading it such a lofty title will probably inflate your already overly compensated ego.   
TT: Dave, seriously, you need to get up.   
TT: I don't mean to be a pest, but the matter is a bit of a pressing concern.

You reread this last line, and a subtle frown tugs at the corner of your lips.

What the fresh fuck happened when you went to bed?


	10. >Hours in the past...

**> Hours in the past...**

You check your phone again to see if Dave has responded to the text message you sent last night. Once more, there's no response and you're seriously having a hard time keeping your mind off it. After all, your friend was pretty out of sorts yesterday and he didn't seem much better once he'd finally logged out. You feel like you should probably give him his space, but you're also worried about him.

He may be too cool to realize he's upset, but you're not!

It's already almost 10:00 and on a normal day he's getting up around now. That said, it is a Saturday and it isn't exactly unheard of for him to sleep in. You yourself are a bit of an early bird, so you've already had a delicious breakfast of super sweet Cocoa Puffs. It was so great, you'd almost had a second bowl! From there it had been a pretty regular morning; brushing your teeth and hair, your morning phone call to dad, and now you're waiting for your computer to boot back up.

You make yourself comfortable in your computer chair, and before long the screen is lit up and ready to go. Pesterchum gets opened up first, of course, with Sburb closely behind it. You select the main of your two maxed out champions, PrankBusters, and then you're loading into the game. Your Pesterchum suddenly flashes with activity, and for a fleeting moment you think that it's Dave.

Oh... oh this is going to be awkward.

But she is still your friend... and just as much as you're there for Dave, you have to be there for her too.

\-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--   
GG: hey john!!   
EB: oh, hey jade!   
EB: um... how's it going?   
GG: if youre asking in general about how im doing, then the answer is pretty okay!   
GG: but... im guessing youre probably talking about the breakup? :(   
EB: no no! no way!   
EB: i mean... okay, yeah i guess i want to know about that too.   
EB: but i also just mean in general!   
GG: lol :)   
GG: john, youre so silly sometimes   
EB: ugh.   
EB: i'm sorry, i know it's not my business.   
EB: it's just that breaking up always sucks, you know?   
EB: and i told dave that i'd be there for him, and i just want you to know that i'm there for you too.   
EB: unless you don't want to talk about it, in which case forget i said anything!   
GG: its fine, really!   
GG: im sorry, i didnt mean to make you feel awkward!   
EB: no way! i don't feel awkward!   
EB: i feel like... however a friend is supposed to feel when they're helping their other friends through something like this!   
GG: then you must feel like a pretty great friend! :)   
GG: a friend to all in need!!   
EB: i don't know, i try i guess.   
EB: but you're sure you're alright?   
GG: positive! :)   
GG: but... well...   
GG: i was actually wondering if you knew how dave was doing   
GG: but you dont have to tell me if you dont want to!   
EB: um...   
EB: honestly, i don't really know.   
EB: i kind of... accidentally got him to tell me it even happened and he doesn't really want to talk about it.   
EB: i think he'll be okay though, he probably just needs some time.   
GG: oh... okay, that makes sense

You've now had Sburb sitting there open on your monitor for like ten whole minutes now, and you haven't even stopped to look at the main screen. Conversing with Jade is fun and all, but you still kind of have a job to do so you switch over now to that window.

Whoa! The guild chat is going nuts!

_**(G)** pUPA PAN: i'M SORRY, _   
_**(G)** pUPA PAN: i GUESS THAT, uH, i PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT THROUGH BETTER, _   
_**(G)** Mindf8ng: Y8u think???????? _   
_**(G)** Mindf8ng: If you d8n't think you h8ve what 8t t8kes to win the f8ght then w8t for 8ackup!!!!!!!! _   
_**(G)** pUPA PAN: sORRY, _   
_**(G)** flittershoe: I just got aggressed by dualscar .-. _   
_**(G)** E%ecutor: D -- > Do not commence with your battle until I have arrived _   
_**(G)** E%ecutor: D -- > It is my understanding that this particular character now belongs to an e%ceptionally unskilled player _   
_**(G)** E%ecutor: D -- > We will crush him and show him how truly STRONG Paradox can be _   
_**(G)** flittershoe: ... _   
_**(G)** flittershoe: Uh... anyone else in the area? o_o _   
_**(G)** xXShadowKiller18Xx: i jus kiled a witch named tnkrbll _   
_**(G)** xXShadowKiller18Xx: how many mor pts do i ned b4 i get 2 th nxt promo _   
_**(G)** Fluthu: You might want to work a bit on those typing skills before you consider your opportunities for advancement. _   
_**(G)** xXShadowKiller18Xx: wat _   
_**(G)** Fluthu: Check the forums. _

Okay, this needs your attention pronto.

EB: hey jade, i'm sorry but i kind of have to go.   
EB: something's going on in paradox and dave isn't online to deal with it.   
GG: you guys and that game!   
GG: geeeeeeeeez   
EB: haha!   
EB: sorry, i'll talk to you later!   
\-- ectobiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \--

Time to get down to business.

You take out your cell phone and send another text message to Dave. You're thinking he probably won't answer for a while, but at least he'll know something's up.

\- - You sent - -  
hey dave.  
you're probably still sleeping or whatever,  
but i think something's going on in the guild.  
just message me back whenever!  
\- - Today 10:23am - -

There! At least now Dave knows that there's some sort of crisis. Now, you should probably do your duties as second in command and calm these guildies down long enough to get to the bottom of this!

_**(G)** PrankBusters: hey everyone! _   
_**(G)** PrankBusters: what's going on? _

The first to answer you does so in Pesterchum, and you feel your heart skip a beat at the flashing chat box. Rose sent you a message, and you suddenly care a lot less about what anyone else might have to say in regards to the state of the guild. Minimizing the main Sburb screen, you take a deep breath before opening the window.

She's just a girl... just a really pretty, smart and funny girl.

\-- tentacleTherapist [GG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--   
TT: “What's going on” can only be described as sheer chaos with our guild members spreading out every which way to follow their leader's impromptu command.   
EB: huh?   
EB: wait, is everyone actually going out and aggressing ~ath members?   
TT: But of course.   
TT: Did you expect anything less? I logged in this morning and was immediately aggressed by one of their knights, only to find out that it was just the latest in a string of inter guild fights.   
TT: However, being officers, it would reflect poorly on our internal controls if we were to contradict his orders in the guild chat.   
TT: So instead, we've been doing our best to try and do some damage control on the situation, but to little avail.   
TT: Needless to say, I think we can safely presume that we have thoroughly pissed off this guild.   
EB: yikes!   
EB: how long has this been going on?   
TT: Since last night when Dave issued that poorly contrived order.   
TT: Some of our west coast guildmates were online at the time, and they passed along the news to the others. As far as I can tell, the first fight was actually initiated by Equius after he just happened to come across one of their bards.   
TT: I tried my best to talk him out of it, but you know how he is with guild orders.   
EB: yeah, he can be really stubborn about that...   
TT: So I've noticed.   
TT: Needless to say, from there it seems to have been one attack after another with both sides initiating fights at random.   
TT: To make matters worse, Equius has also apparently forbidden Nepeta from logging back in until we get things sorted out.   
TT: Which means we're down an officer.   
TT: I've sent Dave three messages, but he's yet to answer any of them.   
EB: yeah, he hasn't been answering me either.   
EB: I don't think he's up yet.   
TT: Well he should probably consider joining the conscious world in the very near future, because we've already lost 12 members over this idiocy.   
EB: oh shit!   
EB: seriously?   
TT: Seriously.

You reach a hand to the back of your neck, giving it an anxious squeeze. It'd be one thing if this was just something annoying to mess with everyone, but it seems like this has quickly escalated into a miniature guild war.

Picking up your phone, you anxiously look it over once more to see if Dave's gotten back to you yet. There's still no new messages, and you sigh as you set the phone back down.

There isn't much else you can do before Dave logs in, so you might as well join in on damage control.

EB: okay, where should i go?   
TT: I'd suggest the Land of Wind and Shade, that's where I'm heading after I finish healing from the last fight I was in.   
EB: alright then i'm on my way!

As if you really need to be told twice to go _anywhere_ with Rose's character.

TT: Remember to deposit any non-vital items in the bank before you head out there, and be careful.   
TT: We haven't seen their leader, Gemiinii, since he killed Vriska's character about an hour ago.   
EB: got it.   
EB: you be careful too!   
EB: your fancy mana items probably cost a lot more than my buffs and deflections.   
EB: just don't die too much, okay?   
TT: I'll try not to, thanks.   
\-- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] \--

Man, she's so great.


	11. >John: Be the other guy.

**> John: Be the other guy.**

You're now the other guy, and you can't believe in your own sheer stupidity.

Of course aggressing Paradox wouldn't have been without ramifications, even if it _was_ on your turf. Fighting between your two guilds escalated quickly last night after Gamzee was attacked by one of Paradox's heirs, and it has been going on ever since. You knew that their guild is one of the largest on the server, but now it's as if they're intentionally seeking out ~ATH members. At first you had instructed your guild members to remain inside of safely claimed territory, but then if any got too close to the borders they'd get aggressed. You'd been presented with two options; have your guild retreat even farther into the territory and risk losing it, or fight back. 

You obviously picked the wrong one because the fighting is still going on and you've lost 7 guildies since last night.

You also stayed up far too late, and you'd finally gone to bed only with Aradia's stubborn insistence. Everything about the situation had you completely on edge, and it took about another hour after you'd logged out to finally shut your mind off enough to sleep. It was a fitful, unpleasant rest and you can't say you were any less tired for it upon waking. You'd skipped breakfast, as you so often do when you're stressed, and immediately gotten back on the computer to pick up where you'd left off. Things hadn't calmed down at all, and you've spent the last three hours picking off one Paradox member after another. 

In your absence, one piece of territory has already changed hands four times and is only tenuously back in ~ATH control. Guild members have been messaging you and the other officers almost nonstop with reports of attacks or threats to leave, and Karkat has already lost it and cussed someone out in the guild chat.

You want to scream or cry or punch your computer, but you've thus far managed to resist all of these urges. All your frustrations are channeled into systematically working through this, and you're trying your hardest to ignore the overly charged firing of electrical pulses manifesting themselves into what your psychologist refers to as a “depressive episode”. The muscles in your back are tense and sore as you hunch in your computer chair, and every time you blink it's as if it's a single, insufficient drop of moisture on the burning surfaces of your retinas. Your head is throbbing, either from staring at the computer screen for so long or from the overwhelming pressure of it all. 

You almost lose it when a chat box suddenly opens up from Aradia.

\-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering twinsArmageddons [TA] \--  
AA: s0llux  
AA: are y0u alright  
TA: oh ii dont fuckiing know aa.  
TA: why dont you tell me.  
TA: ~ath ii2 falliing apart, ii dont even fuckiing know what terriitory we 2tiill have claiim two anymore, and iive been 2pendiing my entiire morniing dealiing with the2e paradox A22HOLE2.  
AA: y0u s0und really stressed 0ut right n0w  
AA: d0 y0u need t0 step away f0r a little while  
TA: II CANT JU2T 2TEP AWAY, ARADIIA.  
TA: thiing2 went from 2hiit two wor2e ju2t iin the tiime ii wa2 2leepiing.  
TA: iif ii leave agaiin, who know2 what the2e guy2 wiill do next.

You quickly minimize the box, checking Sburb again to make sure your mage hasn't been attacked in the time you've been typing. Terezi's cousin attacked you a short while ago, but you were able to dispatch her with little effort. You don't think that anyone else will be so hasty to repeat her mistake, but its made you that much more paranoid about a surprise attack.

You reopen the chat box again as it flashes with Aradia's response.

AA: we can handle things f0r the time being  
AA: i think that taking a m0ment t0 clear y0ur head w0uld be a g00d idea  
AA: did y0u even have breakfast this m0rning

You immediately get defensive at this question, but midway through a furiously pecked out message telling Aradia that you're not a child and to mind her own fucking business, you stop and think better of it. She's right, and as much as you want to be angry and lash out at her, you know in the tiniest bit of reason in the back of your mind that you shouldn't. Aradia has known you since you two were in elementary school, and she knows you better than anyone else. Unfortunately, this also means that she's the most capable of dealing with you when you're like this. She's been subject to more than one episodic fit of misdirected anger and depression, but never once has she complained or tried to distance herself from you for it.

Even though she's halfway across the country right now, she's still your best friend.

You don't want to... but you should listen to her.

TA: ... iim 2orry.  
TA: ii diidnt mean two 2nap at you.  
TA: fuck, iim 2uch tra2h. why do you even talk two me?  
AA: y0ure n0t trash  
AA: y0ure just stressed and need t0 take a break  
TA: but the guiild need2 me.  
AA: things pr0bably cant escalate t00 much further in the time that it w0uld take y0u t0 get s0me breakfast  
AA: like maybe  
AA: cheeri0s perhaps  
AA: 0_0

Damn it... Cheerios actually do sound pretty good right now.

Your stomach grumbles in approval of this suggestion, and with a sigh you straighten back up in your chair. The movement causes your glasses to slip on the bridge of your nose, and you push them back up before typing in the guild chat.

_**(G)** Gemiinii: iim goiing two log for a biit. _  
_**(G)** Gemiinii: me22age doom raiider iif you need anythiing. _

You know better than to stick around for the messages of protest, and you quickly close out Sburb after that proclamation. The whole point of walking away from the game is to give yourself a moment to decompress; the last thing you need is someone tempting you to stay. 

Setting your Pesterchum status to busy, you turn away from the computer screen and reach up to rub your eyes. It stings a bit to close them at first, but within moments they're feeling a lot better. The backs of your fingers push against the glass of your eye wear, and you correct them once more before getting up. The stiffness that was originally limited to your back quickly spreads to the rest of your body against these movements, but you're largely able to ignore these aches. You sigh, and then you're walking off to the kitchen to get those Cheerios.

Already you're feeling less strained, and you're reminded once more of Aradia's knack for curbing your self destructive tendencies. You're really lucky to have a friend like her, and you doubt that anyone else, even Karkat, would know what to do with you in such a state. He's a really good friend too, but the way Aradia deals with you is just more... logical.

Whatever the case is, she understands you which is an enormous support for your mental health.

Your head gives a dull throb as you withdraw the box of Cheerios from the cupboard, and you decide that you should probably get some Advil too since you're up. The medicine is in your bathroom, though, so you're faced with the question of whether or not to enjoy your cereal first or take some medicine. You fail to try and resist the alluring pull of the honeybee on the box of Cheerios, and it claims dominion over your priorities as you pour yourself a bowl.

Stashing the cereal box back into the cupboard, you then open the fridge to grab the milk and pour it into the bowl as well. The milk is placed back in the fridge, a spoon is retrieved, and you take your bowl over to the coffee table in your living room. If you're going to truly step away from your stress and enjoy breakfast, it would be best to stay out of your bedroom. Inevitably, you'd end up back on the computer while you ate and then you'd be answering to Aradia once more.

Better to just skip all that and enjoy a moment of silence.


	12. ==>

**== >**

Alright… you’re feeling much better now. Your head even hurts a little less, and with a stomach full of honey nut Cheerios it’s a little bit easier to relax. Both bowl and spoon are deposited into your already over packed dishwasher, albeit with a little effort, and then you’re heading back to your room.

As you pass your bathroom you’re reminded of the medicine you’d meant to take. You make a quick detour to down two Advil, and then your quest back to your bedroom continues. In the time that you’d taken to enjoy some much needed breakfast, you were able to look at the developing situation in Sburb with a little more clarity. 

Whatever the current standings are, it would appear that this back and forth between your guild and Paradox’s isn’t really getting either of you anywhere. It’s pretty likely that they’ve lost some members in all of this too, so you know that you shouldn’t take the losses so hard. You heave a soft sigh before sinking back into your computer chair, reopening Sburb with a renewed sense of purpose.

Aradia was right once again; you really just needed to step away for a minute.

Switching your Pesterchum status back to Available, you’re quick to return to your conversation with Aradia.

AA: like maybe   
AA: cheeri0s perhaps   
AA: 0_0   
TA: we need two have an offiicer meetiing.   
TA: ii2 anyone iin a fiight riight now?

It takes her a moment to respond, and you’re wondering if she’s currently in a fight herself.

AA: n0   
AA: s0rry ab0ut that   
AA: i had t0 feed genesis   
AA: als0 kanaya is 0ffline right n0w   
TA: that2 fiine, we can catch her up later.   
TA: 2tandby for the call.   
\-- twinsArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering apocalypseArisen [AA] \--

You switch focus over to Sburb’s main screen, and you’re quick to peck out your orders to the others.

_**(O)** Gemiinii: get 2omewhere 2afe guy2. _   
_**(O)** Gemiinii: we need two have an offiicer meetiing. _   
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: FUCK YOU. _   
_**(O)** Gemiinii: thank2 kk, that2 2uper helpful. _   
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: YOU GO OFFLINE SUDDENLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BIGGEST CLUSTERFUCK OF IDIOTS THIS SIDE OF THE SERVER, THEN COME BACK LIKE NOTHING’S UP TELLING US TO STOP EVERYTHING. _   
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: THAT’S BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT. _   
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: NEWS FLASH, ASS WIPE. _   
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: WE AREN’T SOME SHITTY PAWNS TO YOUR FUCKED UP GAME OF CHESS WITH PARADOX. _   
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: GU1LDM4T3  >;] _   
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: OH MY GOD. _   
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: I QUIT. _   
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: THIS IS A STUPID GAME FOR MORONIC ASSHOLES WHO HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN TORMENT THEMSELVES BY LOGGING IN DAY IN AND DAY OUT. _   
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: SO YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT’S IT. I QUIT. I QUIT THIS GUILD, I QUIT THIS GAME, I QUIT THE FUCKING INTERNET. _   
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: GAME OVER. _   
_**(O)** Gemiinii: KK, you quiit liiterally every tiime ii call an offiicer meetiing. _   
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: WHAT? BULLSHIT! NO I DON’T. _   
_**(O)** Dualscar: wwell _   
_**(O)** Dualscar: kar hes got a point _   
_**(O)** Dualscar: you do kind a say youre goin to quit a lot but you nevver really do _   
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: YOU KNOW WHAT’S FUNNY? I DON’T REMEMBER ASKING FOR THE OPINION OF AN ARROGANT HIPSTER DOUCHEBAG. _   
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: OH MY GOD K4RK4T, W3 COULD H4V3 ST4RT3D 4ND F1N1SH3D TH3 M33T1NG 1N TH3 T1M3 1T’S T4K1NG YOU TO B1TCH 4BOUT TH1S  >:O _   
_**(O)** Gemiinii: yeah kk, youre the only per2on holdiing u2 up riight now. _

At once then, your Pesterchum lights up with a call box titled, “FUCK THIS GUILD AND ITS OFFICERS”. You can’t help but snicker at this over the top display of annoyance. Karkat’s probably the only guy on the planet more tightly wound than you are at any given moment, and even though it’s been years since you’d pursued a serious relationship with him, you still find his perpetual irritation to be far too charming.

Then again, you’re also going through a bit of a dry spell so most everyone gets an honorary bump up to “not that bad of an option”.

Retrieving your headset from its shelf under your computer desk, you plug it into your computer speakers. Adjusting it to sit neatly on your head, you lower the mic and answer the call.

“Here’s your stupid officer meeting,” Karkat snaps as soon as you connect. “You’re welcome.”

“Thank you,” Aradia says, the sincerity in her voice making you quietly smirk to yourself.

“No, Aradia I wasn’t being serious,” your ornery first officer says, frustration apparent in his voice.

“Yeah, I’m not seeing what the big deal is,” Eridan chimes in now, his nasally voice the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. “I mean, I could have started the call too you know.”

“Shut up Eridan,” Karkat says. “Anyway, are we going to have this meeting or not? We kind of have important shit to do here.”

“Again Kk,” you answer, looking over your guild’s current territory claim on Sburb’s main screen. “I’m just waiting on you.”

Terezi’s voice cackles into her microphone, and you hear Karkat make a sort of strangled, frustrated growl.

This is all kind of stupid, and Karkat was right about one thing; there’s important shit to do here.

“Okay, so I’m sure all of you have noticed by now that something’s up between us and Paradox. We know that this has been going on since TZ aggressed them on our territory outside of Cetus Dungeon and that, for whatever reason, they seem to be holding that against us.”

“How fucking fascinating,” Karkat says sarcastically.

“Shut up,” you respond. “What we don’t know is why they’re reacting the way they are, and as you all know up until now we’ve just been fighting them back to keep a hold of our territories.”

“Up until now?” Terezi asks the tones of a giggle hiding beneath her words. “Does that mean that we’re changing tactics, oh fearless leader?”

“I don’t really see that we have much of any other choice on that matter,” you say, pausing to examine the ~ATH guild list. “Yeah… we’ve lost three more members since I checked a few hours ago. If we keep going like this, it won’t be just Paradox we’ll have to worry about,” a frown tugs at the corner of your lips, and a thought occurs to you. “Has anyone checked the forums yet? The last thing we need is The Felt or something fucking with us right now.”

“Hold on, I’ll see if I can find anything,” Aradia volunteers, and the call goes silent for a few moments. “… There are a lot of new postings about the latest patch, this could take a little while.”

“Okay, well, regardless of that we can probably safely assume that we can’t just keep fighting these assholes like this,” you go on. “So we need to come up with a better way to go about this… ideas?”

The collective silence isn’t reassuring, and you’d hoped that at least Karkat would blurt out some overtly aggressive and hasty plan. You can’t really blame them from being intimidated by the situation as you’re pretty much in the same boat right now. When it comes down to it, you’re really not sure who would win in an all-out guild war between ~ATH and Paradox. Quite frankly, it’s not something you really want to witness the outcome of firsthand.

Maybe you can crunch the numbers on that later to find out.

“… Well…” Terezi says, sounding incredibly reluctant in just that one word. “… Dave may be a dick, but he’s not completely unreasonable…”

“No, fuck that. Don’t even finish that thought,” Karkat says. “Don’t sit there and try to defend this bullshit-”

“I’m not defending him!” your neophyte says quickly. “Trust me, I think this is just as shitty as you do. I’m just saying that if we talked to him, maybe we could settle this without having to give up any more territory or guild members.”

“Please, you just want an excuse to talk to him,” Karkat huffs, his tone betraying a sense of hurt in his words. “Why don’t you just admit that you want to get back together with him and dump me already?”

“Karkles, stop being such a baby,” Terezi giggles. “I don’t want to get back together with him. Why would I want to be with some cool kid who doesn’t cry at the end of The Notebook when I could be with you?”

“Allie and Noah’s love was beautiful and pure and you only didn’t see that because you fell asleep twenty minutes in!”

“… Wow,” you’re pretty sure you hear Eridan say, and you decide you’re just going to keep listening for a couple more minutes as Karkat continues to emasculate himself.

“It was boring! Besides, I wanted to watch The Dark Knight Rises. It looked way more exciting than your dumb notebook movie,” Terezi mumbles. “But that’s not the point, we’re getting sidetracked.”

“No, hold on, The Notebook is not boring,” Karkat says matter-of-factly. “That’s it, I’m coming over there tonight and we’re watching it again.”

“What? No way, Karkat I don’t want to watch The Notebook again! I didn’t even want to watch it the first time!”

“And you didn’t. Which is why we’re going to watch it again. I’ll buy you some fucking licorice or something to keep you awake this time.”

“… Red licorice?”

“Who the fuck even eats black licorice? Yes the red kind!”

“Hmm… I accept your terms to a red licorice and boring movie date night!”

“It’s not-”

“So, not to cut off this fascinating topic of discussion,” you say, your patience beginning to thin. “But was this going anywhere or…?”

“Yeah, my point was,” Terezi continues. “That if we just flat out talk to Dave then we can probably fix all of this. We might have to come up with some sort of compromise or something, but it would be better than what we’re doing now.” 

“Well that sounds easy enough,” Eridan remarks, his voice as confident as if he’d thought up the idea himself. “Ter, you can just talk to him and tell him that if he stops causing us trouble we’ll take it easy on him.”

“That wording… would probably make things worse.”

“Yeah, don’t listen to ED he’s talking out of his ass,” you say, eyes giving a quick roll behind your glasses. “Would you mind talking to him, though?”

“Hold on, don’t I get a say in this?” Karkat snaps as if he hasn’t been talking for the greater part of this call.

“What’s to say?”

“Uh, okay, how about that I’m not entirely fucking comfortable with my girlfriend negotiating territory rights with her ex-boyfriend? Do you not see how that kind of borders on a really fucked up scenario?”

“I don’t mind,” Terezi says, quick to come to your defense. “Plus, I’m the only one who knows Dave personally.”

“What about your cousin? Vriska’s still in Paradox, tell her to talk to him!”

“Come on, you know my cousin! She’d make things that much worse if I came to her for help.”

“Okay… well, that’s true but…”

“But what? Karkat, Dave and I broke up like a million years ago. He’s a lame wannabe playboy and I don’t like him like that. There’s nothing to be worried about.”

“Um, I don’t mean to interrupt,” Aradia says, capturing your attention from the circular conversation between Terezi and Karkat. “But I’ve found three topics so far on our current interactions with Paradox.”

Fuck… that was what you were worried about.

If anyone is talking on the forums about what’s going on, guild member or not, it means that word is going to travel. The Felt is currently being run by this really toxic player named Lord English, and you know that if he hears that your guild is starting to suffer from its dispute with Paradox, he won’t hesitate to try and pull some shitty Machiavellian tactics on your territory claims. There’s also The Midnight Crew and countless others who would just love to knock your guild down and soak up its resources.

It’s enough to pluck a bit of panic in your chest, and you use this as encouragement to speak again.

“Look, we don’t have time to deliberate on this,” you say firmly. “KK, I know that you’re not happy about it, but I don’t see another way out of this. We either lose everything, or we try to reach some sort of ceasefire.”

Karkat sounds like he’s about to answer, but before he can Aradia comments once more, “What if you were there when Terezi talked to Dave?” she offers. “You’d mentioned that you were going to be going over there tonight anyway… would that make things better?”

“You don’t have to fucking patronize me, I’m not a child,” Karkat grumbles. “… But… yeah, I guess I’d be okay with that.”

“Terezi?” Aradia says.

“Yeah, I don’t care,” the neophyte says with a snicker. “I can message Dave during that shitty movie.”

“God damn it! It’s not a shitty movie!” 

“KK, it is kind of a shitty movie,” you tease, more wanting to poke fun at Karkat than actually debate on movie tastes. “Like, if Noah was sending Allie letters, why didn't he just go to her actual house to find her? He had to have had her address.”

“It’s symbolic! He had to send her letters because… the meaning behind it was that…”

There’s a pause, and you hear Karkat scream “fuck” loudly before he hangs up on the call. Terezi immediately busts out in a fit of laughter, and you can’t stifle your own bit of chuckles. He takes those dumb movies so seriously sometimes.

An exasperated sigh from Eridan interrupts the merriment, and he’s quick to remind you of his presence.

“Okay, so Ter is going to talk to Dave?” he clarifies. “What are the rest of us supposed to do?”

You tap your index finger on the desk, not really wanting to answer Eridan with anything particularly useful. Taking a look at your guild list once more, your mouth quirks into a small frown. Though this ongoing fighting can hardly be construed as productive or the greatest investment of your time, it is managing to keep Paradox mostly at bay.

You still don’t have many options, and it appears that you’re just going to have to stay the course until Terezi talks to this Dave guy.

“I guess… we just have to keep doing what we’re doing,” you say. “It should only be for one more day, and with any luck it’ll keep matters from getting worse.”

“Yeah, well that sounds like a giant waste of energy,” Eridan scoffs. “I’m logging for the day. You guys can enjoy your little fight fest, I’m going to see if Fef wants to get something to eat downtown.”

“Okay, bye,” you say tersely, eager to be free of Eridan for the day.

He doesn’t hang up, no matter how hard you glare at his name listed in the call box.

“… You know Sol,” Eridan says, and your shoulders tense because you know what’s coming next. “If you wanted to come with us-”

“No.”

“But why not?”

Terezi suddenly hangs up from the call, and now it’s just you, Aradia, and this asshole. You mentally commend TZ for being smart enough to leave while Eridan’s pitiful wooing efforts are focused on you.

“Because Fef is still my ex and I still don’t like you?” you try, futilely hoping that this time the truth will stick.

“Oh come off it Sol, that was such a long time ago. If Kar and Ter can let the matter of exes lie, why can’t you?”

“I said no ED, bye.”

You don’t feel quite like pandering to Eridan’s whining, so you hang up on the call before he can respond. It’s a little rude, but you have to be painfully direct with this guy most of the time. He doesn’t take hints, and even if he does he certainly doesn’t do anything about them.

Attack plan in place, you sit a little more comfortably in your chair. It’s only now that you notice your headache’s gone, and you breathe a soft sigh of relief.

All you can really do now is hold out and hope that Terezi comes through.


	13. >Be the first guy again.

**> Be the first guy again.**

You start being the first guy again, and as you do so you conclude that this has pretty much been the most aggravating day of your life.

Dusk is finally beginning to set in outside, and you have successfully wasted your entire day on the computer. Bro managed to tempt you out a few times, once with pizza and once again with what was left of the dinner that Jake had made earlier. The two of them were now settled somewhere out in the living room, probably watching some hokey action adventure movie or B-rated comedy.

It isn't your business, and honestly you have bigger matters to attend to.

At the moment, Paradox is in a sorry shape after having lost a quarter of its members between the span of yesterday and today. You've still got a ton of members, but if this trend continues then it's only a matter of time till some guild other than ~ATH starts causing you trouble. Rose has been keeping an eye on the forums, and thus far they've been abuzz with the ongoing guild strifes. You're pretty surprised you haven't had to deal with The Felt yet; those assholes always show up when stuff like this starts to happen.

Whatever the case, things don't seem to be showing much promise in calming down. You've managed to talk Equius into letting Nepeta log back in, but he refuses to leave her side so that ties up two of your officers who are now off on their own. You finally turned the guild chat off about an hour ago, too frustrated with the whole situation to keep listening to everyone bitch and moan.

Why the hell had you thought this was a good idea?

You heave a soft sigh at your monitor, moving your knight into the safety of a nearby inn. Your thumb and forefinger come together to pinch the bridge of your nose, just under where your shades rest. Everyone is fed up with this bullshit at this point, and you know that if you don't do something you're going to end up losing everything you've worked for in this game. Everything seems to be working against you lately, and you're getting pretty fed up with it. 

A message suddenly appears on your screen.

Now, there's a chumhandle you haven't been pestered by in a while.

Not that you can say this is completely unexpected, though, given that she kind of started all of this bullshit.

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
GC: H3Y COOLK1D! >:]  
TG: hey  
TG: you know what  
TG: you kind of remind me of this batshit girl i used to date  
GC: R34LLY?  
GC: WH4T W4S SH3 L1K3?  
TG: oh you know  
TG: cagey and always up to something  
TG: like there was this one time  
TG: she attacked me and a bunch of my guild members on sburb  
TG: shit was new echelons of uncool  
TG: like the president himself called and said  
TG: dude this chick is bad news you should probably get out while you can  
GC: WH4T D1D YOU T3LL HIM? >:O  
TG: dont remember  
TG: the story kind of ends on a cliffhanger like that  
GC: ...  
GC: YOUR SH1TTY 4ND PO1NTL3SS STOR13S 4R3 3V3N MOR3 SH1TTY 4ND PO1NTL3SS THAN 1 R3M3MB3R3D >:[  
TG: no way man my stories are gold  
TG: youve just spent too much time with your new uncool guild  
TG: youre starting to forget what quality material you used to have access to on a daily basis  
TG: cant really say i blame you  
TG: theres just no competing with paradox like that  
TG: anyway what do you want

Your attention is drawn from the conversation by a sudden notification on the main menu of your Pesterchum. Minimizing Terezi's chat box, you look and see that you have a new request from somebody.

CarcinoGeneticist? Who is this douchebag?

You accept the request despite not knowing who it's from, and at once a second chat box opens up on your screen.

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
CG: HEY.  
TG: dude caps lock  
CG: YOU'RE DAVE, RIGHT?  
TG: nope sorry  
TG: the entire span of the universe is fresh the fuck out of the exact dave youre looking for  
TG: can i interest you in a dan instead  
CG: OH MY GOD, SHUT UP. YOU ARE HIM, AREN'T YOU? I CAN TELL BY THE WRITTEN ASSAULT TO MY IQ.  
CG: HOW DID SHE PUT UP WITH YOU FOR AS LONG AS SHE DID?  
TG: wow  
TG: and here i was offering you the choicest picking of any dan in the universe  
TG: guess youre out of luck now  
TG: youll have to settle for some bill or larry  
TG: or some poor bastard named edgar

You go back over to Terezi's chat box to see that she's typed more in the time that you were dealing with your newest acquaintance. You're not quite done messing with this tool, whoever they are, but you're undeniably curious about what Terezi's game is.

GC: 1TS 4BOUT YOUR STUP1D GU1LD  
GC: TH3 TH1NG 1S TH4T W3R3 K1ND OF S1CK OF K1LL1NG TH3M 3V3RY F1V3 M1NUT3S  
GC: YOU SHOULD T3LL TH3M TO STOP 4TT4CK1NG US >;]  
TG: those are some pretty big requests  
TG: have you tried telling your lame guild to stop throwing their dead pixels at our feet  
TG: because im pretty sure we have control over some prime ~ath real estate right now and id rather not waste it burying all those digital corpses

In the other chat box, it appears as if this carcinoGeneticist douchebag has decided to write you a book.

CG: HA HA HA.  
CG: YOU'RE SO FUCKING CLEVER. SERIOUSLY, I CAN HARDLY BREATHE WITH THE PAINFUL FITS OF LAUGHTER RIPPING THROUGH MY RIBCAGE.  
CG: NOW PUT YOUR SHITTY JOKES BACK BETWEEN THE COVERS OF THE KINDERGARTEN GIGGLE BOOK YOU STOLE THEM FROM AND LISTEN UP.  
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO, DAVE, BUT JUST KNOW THAT TEREZI HAS MOVED ON.  
CG: NOT ONLY HAS SHE MOVED ON TO A FAR MORE SUPERIOR GUILD THAN THE SORRY COLLECTION OF LOSERS YOU HAVE, BUT SHE'S ALSO MOVED ON TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE TO RESORT TO A BUNCH OF OVERLY POMPOUS DRIVEL TO KEEP HER ATTENTION.  
CG: SHE ISN'T INTERESTED IN YOU IN THE SLIGHTEST, AND THE ONLY REASON SHE'S MESSAGING YOU IS BECAUSE OF HER DUTIES AS AN OFFICER IN ~ATH.  
CG: SO DON'T TRY TO PULL ANYTHING, GOT IT?

Man, this dude is super annoying already. You'd almost regret adding him if what he was saying wasn't so painfully hilarious. The secondhand embarrassment is enough to make you forget your other worries about the guild and your bruised self esteem. 

You suppose you can tolerate this guy for a little while longer.

TG: good to know  
TG: wait  
TG: how do you know my name  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: my name  
TG: like five seconds ago you said my name  
CG: IT'S NOT EXACTLY ROCKET SCIENCE, ASSHOLE.  
CG: YOU'RE THE GUILD LEADER OF PARADOX, RIGHT?  
CG: I'M NOT A FUCKING NEWB, I KNOW IT FROM THE FORUMS.  
TG: jinkies  
TG: well thats one mystery solved gang  
TG: but that doesnt tell me how you know that terezis messaging me right now

This conversation is becoming less silly and more interesting by the minute. You'd already heard that Terezi was dating some new guy, and you didn't fall out of the sky on some cosmic meteor yesterday; you can put two and two together. It's almost too much to resist the temptation of outright calling him out on this bullshit, but that could bring an abrupt end to this little side show.

Terezi's chat box draws your attention with some new flashing, so you go back over to that conversation while her boyfriend fumbles his way through some sort of response.

GC: SOM3ON3 1S G3TT1NG 4 L1TTL3 TOO H1GH UP ON H1S HOOFB34ST  
GC: ST1LL, TH4TS PR3TTY LOW 3V3N FOR YOU, D4V3  
GC: G3TT1NG YOUR COOLK1D P4NT13S 1N 4 BUNCH B3C4US3 W3 W3R3 D3F3ND1NG OUR TURF?  
GC: TH4TS PR3TTY L4M3  
GC: H4V3 SOM3 R3SP3CT FOR DU3 PROC3SS  
GC: W3 H4DNT 3V3N BU1LT UP TH4T L4ND Y3T >:[

You reread what she said a couple of times, trying to to follow whatever weird joke she was trying to make. She always had a strange sense of humor, but this is abstract even by her standards.

The way she's talking, it's as if she genuinely believes that the Cetus Dungeon was on ~ATH claimed land. Even if her guild had managed to garner control over a nearby territory, that didn't magically rearrange the dungeons inside of its bordering territories.

You're feeling a bit too antsy and stiff from sitting upright in front of your computer all day in your already irritable state. Perhaps it would be better to skip the pleasantries and cut to the chase.

Besides, you don't really feel like spending the next couple of hours deciphering one of your ex's cryptic messages. At the risk of revealing that you just don't get her joke, you decide to come out with a question of your own.

TG: what are you talking about  
TG: cetus is on paradox territory  
GC: WOW, D1D W34R1NG THOS3 S1LLY SUNGL4SS3S 4LL TH3 T1M3 F1N4LLY M4K3 YOU GO BL1ND?  
GC: LOOK 4T 4 M4P SOM3T1M3, NOOB >;]

Your index finger taps away at the side of your computer, drumming out some halfhearted attempt at a beat. You open up the Paradox guild map in Sburb and take a second look at the stretches of land covered in red. As usual, almost a good half of the map is marked as claimed territory... including the section where Cetus Dungeon is and always has been.

Terezi's messing with you, and you totally just fell for it.

The chat box with carcinoGeneticist's name on it begins flashing again, and it's just the motivation you need to pull the curtain on this shitty play. Hell, might as well kill two birds with one stone and get rid of both of them. It's just as good; this whole thing is starting to look at some poorly contrived plan to distract you from defending your territories from ~ATH.

You quickly click and then minimize the chat box with carcinoGeneticist, not bothering to read up whatever he's typed up there. Going back to Terezi's chat box, you can't help but smirk at her failed attempt to derail you.

TG: your mind games are getting weak  
TG: but looks like you at least found some lackey to try and help you with them  
GC: L4CK3Y >:?  
GC: WH4T L4CK3Y?  
TG: thanks for playing  
TG: but come back when you and caps lock get your act together  
GC: C4PS LOCK?  
GC: W41T  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

\-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
GC: ...  
GC: D4MN 1T K4RK4T!  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] \--

So, new guy's name is Karkat?

Good to know.

You scroll through the bulk of whatever this guy was saying and quickly type out your final say on the matter.

CG: SO TRY TO GROW A BRAIN IN THE SHITTY TERRAIN YOU CALL A SKULL AND MAYBE THEN YOU'LL HAVE SOME SHRED OF HOPE IN KEEPING UP.  
TG: did you seriously type all of this  
TG: too bad ive got better things to do than sit around reading it  
TG: ill just wait till this baby makes its way into oprahs book club  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?  
CG: WHY EVEN ASK IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO READ MY RESPONSE?  
TG: dunno  
TG: but ive got some important shit to deal with here  
TG: you know like a whole shitty invading guild to run out of town all wild wild west style  
TG: server aint big enough for the two of us  
TG: later karkat  
CG: WAIT, WHO TOLD YOU MY NAME?  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
CG: HEY, WE'RE NOT FINISHED HERE!  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \--  
CG: QUIT CLOSING THE FUCKING CHAT BOX!  
\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--

You close the chat box again, and this time block Karkat on your Pesterchum menu. That takes care of things for now, and you feel as if you've earned a nice, cold glass of apple juice. Typing up a quick, “brb” to John, you get up and stretch out your back. Today is pretty much shot at this point, but you make a note to at least try and leave your apartment tomorrow.

As weird as that whole interaction with Terezi and her new sap was, it has left you feeling oddly refreshed. If that was the best this ~ATH guild could come up with, than maybe they're not as big of a threat as you'd initially thought.

Whatever. Guild politics can wait; for now, there's a delicious gallon of liquified apples with your name on it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... here's a new chapter o3o' sorry it took so long.


	14. >Open the bathroom door!

**> Open the bathroom door!**

“It’s my bathroom!” Karkat yells back, a loud thump on the other side of the door telling you that you must have startled him because he knocked something over. “Hold on a fucking second, I’m almost done!”

“Bullshit! You were on Pesterchum messaging Dave!” you say, crossing your arms irritably. You can’t believe how childish he’s acting right now! It’s nothing new to know that he gets jealous, but this is too much. “You knew I had to talk to him, now why are you acting like such a baby about it?”

The door opens up suddenly, revealing your short, irritable boyfriend in all of his raging, slightly embarrassed, glory. You look down at him expectantly, shifting your weight to one hip as you wait for an explanation.

“Well… I… what the fuck was I supposed to do?” he huffs, throwing his hands up in a gesture that would almost be comical, were you not so pissed right now. “You kept sitting there giggling and talking to him! Then you wouldn’t even let me read what you two were writing and you promised you would!”

“And I would have!” you insist. “If you hadn’t kept telling me what to type every five seconds! Karkat, you should know me better than that! Don’t you trust me?”

You raise an eyebrow at him, knowing that there’s only one answer he can give that will make you even the slightest bit less angry. His mouth hangs open for a moment, as if he wants to instantly blurt out what’s on his mind, but he doesn’t say anything. He grumbles and crosses his arms as well, but he doesn’t answer.

“… Well?” you say again, refusing to let the matter go.

“Fuck! Yes, yes of course I fucking trust you,” he says, not daring to make you any angrier. You’ve never done anything to break his faith in you before, and his insecurities aside, you’re not about to sit here and let him treat you with such undeserved mistrust.

“Then what’s your problem?” you ask, shifting your hands now to rest on your hips. “You know I wouldn’t say or do anything that isn’t purely in interest of ~ATH politics.”

“I know you wouldn’t!” he snaps back quickly, rolling his eyes and then refusing to meet your gaze. “I just… fuck! Terezi, come on, give me a break here! He’s your ex!”

“Exactly,” you say. “My ex. The ex who I am no longer interested in or dating, so why are you getting your panties in such a twist?”

“Are you kidding me?” he says, now looking up at you again. “Terezi, look at you! You’re this gorgeous, smart, awesome girl who’s going out with a short, geeky troll like me! Dave-”

“Dave,” you cut him off, trying to keep cool. “Is not the problem here. Karkat, we’ve been over this before. I don’t care how short or geeky or trollish you are. You’re _my_ short geeky troll.”

“But-”

“No buts,” you say, giving him a sympathetic sort of smile. This isn’t the first time you guys have had a fight like this, and knowing Karkat it won’t be the last. You really do adore this little dweeb, but his miniscule self-esteem certainly has a nasty habit of making him do stupid shit like this. “Now are you going to apologize or am I locking you out of your room again tonight?”

“Fuck you, I had a second key made after last time,” he says, the bite to his words less harsh than before.

“A second key?” you ask, and then begin to slowly back away from him in the direction of his room. “Any chance you’re keeping that key on your lanyard?” his eyes widen with a sudden realization. “Next to your computer?” you take another step backwards before turning and running down the hallway with Karkat fast on your heels.

He doesn’t have a chance at keeping up; even if his cute little legs could match your strides, you’ve been in track since middle school.

“Terezi don’t you fucking dare!” he yells, and he may as well be miles behind you with how far away he sounds. “Damn it Terezi!”

You round the corner easily enough, and you’re already in his room by the time he makes his appearance at the end of the hall. Shutting the door casually enough, you turn the lock on the handle with a quiet “click”.

The pounding on the door comes moments later, and you can’t help but giggle with devious delight at your victory.

“Come on Terezi, let me in!” he yells on the other side of the door. “Fuck! It’s my fucking apartment and my fucking room! Unlock the door!”

“I’m afraid I can’t help you with that, Karkles,” you say, giving an exaggerated sigh to add to his irritation. “There’s only one way that door’s going to open.”

Karkat yells out a slew of obscenities, making you cackle as he pulls at the doorknob and begins to assail the door of his room.

“God fucking damn it, fine!” he says after several long, futile minutes of trying to break in. “I’m sorry, alright? I’m a big fucking idiot who gets jealous when I’m with you. I shouldn’t have messaged Dave, I shouldn’t have told you what to type, and I’m the biggest waste of space you know. Now will you _please_ let me in?”

You ponder the prospects of letting him stew out there a little longer, and you think for a moment or two before deciding his apology and profession of self-loathing aren’t enough. More than that, running through the apartment has piqued your appetite and it’s been a while since the two of you went out to eat.

“Dinner at Applebee’s,” you demand, clear and to the point.

“Applebee’s?” he asks, his tone making it seem as if he doesn’t quite understand the word. “What the fuck? You can’t use locking me out of my room as a bartering chip to take you out to dinner!”

You can’t? You find that interesting because, unless you’re mistaken, that’s exactly what you’re doing.

“Applebee’s,” you say again, leaning against his door as you wait for him to give in.

“Fuck you!”

“Karkat, I’ve got a nice warm bed in here,” you say, glancing over to the bed the two of you had been curled up in earlier. “How’s that couch of yours been? Did Gamzee ever clean it up from his munchies binge last Tuesday?”

That one had been funny. You and Karkat had come in to find the fridge and cabinets completely empty, and Gamzee in a food coma sprawled out on the couch. The only thing that had been spared was the carton of eggs… which Gamzee had dropped and broken on the kitchen floor.

You can’t remember the last time you’d seen Karkat so legitimately furious.

Karkat lets out a noise which can only be described as an incoherent growl, and you tap your finger on the door as you wait for him to answer. You hear a defeated, ever so quiet, “fine” from the other side of the door, and with no more fuss than that you unlock the handle and let him inside.

“Since when the fuck are you so into Applebee’s anyway?” Karkat pouts, making his way over to his computer and pocketing his lanyard for good measure.

“I’m not! I just really want some of their ribs right now,” you say, moving back over to the bed.

You sit down on the mattress and pull your laptop back onto your lap, frowning at your Pesterchum as you’re reminded that, silliness aside, this whole fiasco means that you didn’t manage to make any progress in stopping the guild war between ~ATH and Paradox.

Well, Sollux would have to find out sooner or later…

_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: H3Y, SOLLUX. _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: WH4T 4R3 YOU DO1NG R1GHT NOW  >:? _  
_**(O)** Gemiinii: oh you know, ju2t the 2ame 2hiit iive been doiing 2iince the 2tart of thii2 2hiit 2how. _  
_**(O)** Gemiinii: haviing the tiime of my fuckiing liife here. _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: SOUNDS FUN  >:] _  
_**(O)** Gemiinii: what do you want? _

You glance up to Karkat, but with him facing the computer like that his back is turned to you and he can’t see the scowl you’re giving him. It’s pretty clear that Sollux is completely out of patience for this whole situation at this point, and you’re not looking forward to being the bearer of bad news.

_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: W3LL, TH3 TH1NG 1S TH4T 1 T4LK3D TO D4V3. _  
_**(O)** Gemiinii: and? _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: AND I TALKED TO HIM TOO. _  
_**(O)** D00m Raider: 0_0 _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: Y34H… _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: K4RK4T D3C1D3D TO OP3N H1S B1G J34LOUS MOUTH 4ND 1NT3RF3R3 W1TH MY SUP3R 1MPORT4NT GU1LD M1SS1ON  >:[ _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: I SAID I WAS SORRY, FUCK! _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: 4ND 1 4CC3PT3D YOUR 4POLOGY. _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: JUST L1K3 1LL B3 4CC3PT1NG SOM3 D3L1C1OUS R1BS FROM 4PPL3B33S 1N A L1TTL3 B1T  >;] _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: FUCK YOU. _

You’re getting a little nervous that Sollux still hasn’t said anything in response to all of this. It’s not like him to remain so tight lipped when the matters of his precious guild are on the line. Your dull, red lips quirk into a frown, and as they do you’re reminded that you should probably reapply your lipstick. You’d managed to distract Karkat quite a bit during that awful Notebook movie, but not without some serious sacrifices from your lipstick.

That ungrateful nerd already washed it off too! You swear, sometimes he’s just no fun.

_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: 4NYW4Y, 1 KNOW D4V3 W3LL 3NOUGH TO KNOW TH4T H3 PROB4BLY WONT BE T4LK1NG TO 31TH3R OF US 4G41N 4NY T1M3 SOON. _  
_**(O)** Dualscar: wwoww wway to go kar _  
_**(O)** Dualscar: wwhatevver this guy sounds like a total loser anywway _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: OH SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU PRETENTIOUS DRIBBLING ASSHOLE. _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: AS IF YOU’RE REALLY ONE TO PASS ALONG THE “TOTAL LOSER” CROWN. _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: IN FACT, BOTH OF YOU COULD PROBABLY SHARE THE CROWN IF YOUR HEADS WEREN’T SO OVERLY ENGORGED ON THE IDIOTIC DRIVEL YOU PUMP INTO THE SELF AGGRANDIZED IMAGES OF THE MORONS YOU PRETEND NOT TO BE. _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: HONESTLY ERIDAN, THIS ASSHOLE WAS PROBABLY THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET I HATED TALKING TO MORE THAN YOU. _  
_**(O)** Dualscar: so _  
_**(O)** Dualscar: wwhat im hearin is _  
_**(O)** Dualscar: you prefer talkin to me than some hotshot rival guild leader _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: OH MY FUCKING GOD. _  
_**(O)** :o): bRo _  
_**(O)** :o): HeY, wHaT’s Up MoThErFuCkEr? _  
_**(O)** :o): WhAt HaVe YoU dOnE aLl Up AnD bEeN uP tO aLl FuCkInG dAy? _  
_**(O)** :o): BeEn GeTtInG mY wOnDeR oN tO wHeRe YoU dOnE fUcKiNg LiKe To DiSaPpEaR tO :o( _

You can’t help but giggle as Gamzee joins in on the conversation at random, and you can tell the exact moment that Karkat reads what he’s written by the gruff sort of groan he makes over in his chair.

_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: GAMZEE, I AM LITERALLY IN THE ROOM RIGHT DOWN THE FUCKING HALL. _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: I HAVEN’T LEFT THE APARTMENT ONCE ALL DAY, WHERE THE HELL DID YOU THINK I WENT? _

As Karkat finishes pecking out his message in the same manner which makes you wonder how he hasn’t had to replace his keyboard yet, a sort of peculiar silence takes place in the guild chat. Gamzee doesn’t answer right away, when suddenly you hear a voice calling out in the apartment.

“Best friend?” you hear Gamzee say, in that heavy sort of tone that he only gets when he’s high. 

So, pretty much his voice 90% of the time. Or, at least, every time you’ve seen him.

Still, the hilarity of it all is too much as Karkat drops his head to his desk in frustration. You can’t help but laugh at his reaction; sometimes the boy can be such a drama queen. Despite his newly acquired facedown position, he shouts back to Gamzee in the other room.

“Yes, Gamzee, I’m still fucking here. I literally have not left the apartment all fucking day. For fuck’s sake, you and I were fighting ~ATH members all day together you stupid shitstain!”

“… Oh shit,” is all he says back, not quite as loudly as before, and as he reappears in the officer chat, you decide that he’s probably done with his silly conversation with Karkat.

_**(O)** :o): hOnK :o) _  
_**(O)** Rainbow Drinker: At The Risk Of Interrupting This Apparent Reunion _  
_**(O)** Rainbow Drinker: What Should We Do In Light Of This Recent Debacle _

Right, back to business!

_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: W3LL, TH4TS TH3 1NT3R3ST1NG P4RT 1N 4LL OF TH1S. _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: D4V3 1S 4 TOT4L D1CK, DONT G3T M3 WRONG, _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: BUT 1 K1ND OF G3T TH1S F33L1NG TH4T H3S NOT FUCK1NG W1TH US. _  
_**(O)** Rainbow Drinker: Really _  
_**(O)** Rainbow Drinker: What Makes You Think That _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: BULLSHIT! _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: TEREZI COME ON, THAT DOUCHEBAG WAS TOTALLY FUCKING WITH US! _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: NO, K4RKL3S, H3 W4S FUCK1NG W1TH YOU  >:[ _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: H3 W4S 4CTU4LLY B31NG SOM3WH4T COOP3R4T1V3 W1TH M3 UNT1L YOU D3C1D3D TO 1NT3RF3R3. _  
_**(O)** Rainbow Drinker: Cooperative In What Way _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: L1K3, H3 S33M3D G3NU1N3LY CONV1NC3D TH4T C3TUS 1S ON P4R4DOX T3RR1TORY. _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: NORM4LLY 1 C4N T3LL WH3N H3S JUST B31NG D1FF1CULT, BUT 1 D1DNT G3T TH4T F33L1NG TH1S T1M3. _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: OH, THAT’S HIM NOT BEING DIFFICULT? _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: WELL, CONSIDER ME LUCKY AS A SHAMROCK SHITTING LEPRECHAUN THAT I GOT TO NOT ONLY TO BEHOLD, BUT TO CONVERSE WITH THE ESSENCE THAT IS A COMPLETELY COOPERATIVE DICKHOLE NAMED DAVE. _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: IF ONLY THE REST OF OUR GUILD COULD BE SO FORTUNATE AS TO DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO ISN’T TRYING TO BE AS MUCH OF AN ASS AS HE SEEMS TO BE ON A NIGH CONSTANT BASIS. _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: SERIOUSLY TEREZI, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EVER SEE IN THIS ASSHOLE? _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: MORE THAN THAT, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT HE’S SUDDENLY TRUSTWORTHY? _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: 1 N3V3R S41D TH4T 1 TH1NK H3S TRUSTWORTHY. _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: ONLY TH4T, ON TH1S ON3 TOP1C, 1 TH1NK H3 W4S B31NG S1NC3R3. _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: YEAH, WELL, HE CAN TAKE HIS SINCERITY AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS. _

You look around on the bed and grab Karkat’s pillow up from its resting spot against the headboard. Without another thought, you hurl it towards him in his computer chair. He jumps much more than was necessary for being hit with such a lightweight object, and it makes the smirk on your face spread into a full out grin.

“What the fuck was that for?” he snaps, picking up the pillow from the floor.

“Quit being a dick,” you reply, easily catching the pillow as he throws it back.

_**(O)** Rainbow Drinker: Do You Have The Logs From The Conversation _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: Y34H, H4NG ON, 1LL S3ND TH3M 1N TH3 CH4T. _

You open up your Pesterchum log file and briefly look through it to find the folder for today. It’s easy enough to find the conversation you’d had previously with Dave, and then you’re sending it in the group chat for the other officers to look through.

The file is quickly accepted by all of the officers, save for Gamzee who’s character seems to have idled off in some far off field. Anything from the television to his own shoes could have distracted him from all of this, you think, so you don’t worry too much that he didn’t accept it. You’re a bit curious to see that Sollux accepted it too, which means that he at least has to be paying enough attention to notice that it was there.

You’re still wondering why he hasn’t said anything this whole time.

_**(O)** Rainbow Drinker: TurnTechGodHead _  
_**(O)** Rainbow Drinker: He Seems To Be Quite The Interesting Player _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: NO, DONT L3T H1M FOOL YOU. _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: H3 R34LLY 1S PR3TTY MUCH JUST 4 DOUCH3B4G  >:] _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: HOLY SHIT, I DIDN’T THINK IT WAS POSSIBLE FOR THIS IGNORAMUS TO SOUND LIKE ANY MORE OF A COMPLETE AND UTTER PRICK. _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: THIS SHIT IS FUCKING PAINFUL TO READ. _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: IT LITERALLY FEELS AS IF EACH WORD IS DRIVING KNIVES INTO THE DEAD CENTER OF MY EYEBALLS, IMPALING MY BRAIN AND LETTING ANY BIT OF INTELLECT I HAD DRAIN OUT IN THEIR WAKE. _  
_**(O)** Gemiinii: alriight TZ, thank2 for tryiing. _  
_**(O)** Gemiinii: ii have 2 get off for a biit. _  
_**(O)** Gemiinii: be back on later. _

Sollux logs out suddenly, before any of you can type back in response. It catches you off guard; both because you weren’t sure when you should have expected him to say something, and because of how quickly he closes the matter. It’s unlike him to detach from a conversation so quickly like that, and even as you open your Pesterchum menu you notice that he’s set his status to “Busy”.

You raise a curious eyebrow at these moves, and cannot help but think that all of this ended too cleanly for the matter to just be settled.

Sollux is definitely up to something. However, you’ve got little choice but to wait and see what that something is.

_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: WHAT THE FUCK? _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: OUR GUILD IS FALLING APART AND HE SUDDENLY DECIDES IT’S TIME FOR A BREAK? _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: FUCK HIM. _  
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: I SWEAR, SOMETIMES WE CARE MORE ABOUT HIS SHITTY GUILD THAN HE DOES. _  
_**(O)** D00m Raider: i w0uldnt w0rry t00 much ab0ut it _  
_**(O)** D00m Raider: terezi _  
_**(O)** D00m Raider: didnt y0u say s0mething ab0ut getting ribs fr0m applebees 0_0 _

Well, that makes things even more interesting. It seems that whatever Sollux is up to, Aradia is in on it. Since the two of them started this guild, they’re the ones who get to make all the big decisions. No matter how much Karkat wants to be included on them, at the end of the day those two are always working on plans and schemes which are echelons above the mundane daily guild duties you officers are so often tasked with. You honestly don’t mind that much; you were given so much to do in Paradox that the opportunity to take a back seat and just watch the madness unfold is oddly relaxing.

For now, it would probably be best just to let it go.

_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: 4N 3XC3LL3NT PO1NT, 4R4D14!  >:] _  
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: K4RKL3S, D1NN3RT1M3! _

You shut your laptop at this, allowing your computer’s automatic hibernation to close your programs for you. Getting up off the bed, you grab onto the back of Karkat’s computer chair and begin to slowly pull him backwards.

“Fuck! Wait, hold on a second, I have to log out!” he protests, stretching for the first foot or two in his strain to stay at the computer. You continue to pull him a little further, and he finally just stands up out of his chair. “Okay, okay I’m going! Shit, go grab your jacket or something.”

You snicker at this, snatching up your purse and leather jacket from the coat hooks hanging on the wall. That’s enough guild politics and ex-boyfriend bullshit for one night; the ball seems to have shifted into Sollux and Aradia’s court now, and you’re more than content to drop the subject in lieu of some fantastic Applebee’s with your crabby boyfriend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings from Austria! :D I've been studying abroad here since March, and I have to say I'm having the time of my life. :) Unfortunately, it means I've been neglecting both of my fanfics something fierce. XD Sorry about that! Slow to update as always, but I hope you enjoyed the latest chapter. I've definitely been feeling in a writing sort of mood lately, so hopefully I can keep this motivation train going and crank out a few more chapters before my jumping around from country to country begins in mid-June. After that, it'll be well until August at the earliest before I'll probably update again as I intend to leave my computer with a friend!
> 
> That's a ways off, though.
> 
> Anyway, for those of you getting anxious for the actual Dave/Sollux interactions to begin... just hold tight a little bit longer. ;3 I have a feeling you'll enjoy the next chapter. Till then, tschüss! x3


	15. >Sollux: Be patient.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. :D Two in a week, man I'm on a roll here! Half thinking about starting up a tumblr for Guiild Games, similar to the one I have for LOHAT to answer questions and interact with my readers a bit... thoughts? .3.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy! :D

**> Sollux: Be patient.**

TA: iim tryiing two be patient.  
TA: but how the hell do ii even know thii2 a22hole iis goiing two show up?  
AA: well  
AA: y0u d0nt i supp0se  
TA: great, awe2ome, that2 2uper FUCKIING encouraging.  
AA: im just being h0nest  
AA: w0uld y0u prefer me t0 insist that terezis ex is n0thing sh0rt 0f a reliable individual  
TA: no, of cour2e not, that would be even wor2e.  
TA: fuck, why diid ii think thii2 wa2 a good iidea?  
AA: just try t0 be patient  
AA: its n0t even n00n yet  
AA: right

You minimize the Pesterchum app on your phone to check the time, and just as Aradia pointed out, it’s only 11:46 in the morning. In your anxiousness to settle matters between ~ATH and Paradox, you’d left a bit too early from your apartment and arrived sooner than the time that you and Dave had agreed to meet up at.

As if this whole situation wasn’t shitty enough, now you’re going to look like an overly eager loser with nothing better to do with his day.

Then again, you _are_ an overly eager loser with nothing better to do with your day.

You push your bi-colored sunglasses further up on the bridge of your nose, something you do more out of habit than out of any real need to adjust them, and breathe a soft sigh before opening your Pesterchum app again. You know that you’re psyching yourself out about all of this, but you can’t help it. As much as you hate to admit it, Sburb and your shitty little guild mean an awful lot to you. The thought that so much now relies upon how well you can negotiate with a guild leader you’ve never met before is, in all honesty, incredibly intimidating.

You brought your laptop with you, but you’re keeping it tucked away in your messenger bag until Dave shows up… assuming he shows up at all. Though the coffee shop has free Wi-Fi, which would certainly provide a welcome distraction while you wait, you didn’t manage to get a table close to an outlet. Your computer’s battery was fully charged when you left your apartment, but you don’t know how long you could be waiting here for this douchebag to show up.

Best to play it safe and just sit tight for a little while.

You could keep talking to Aradia for a bit of company while you wait, but you don’t want to bother her too much. She has some test coming up later this week, and when you started messaging her a few minutes ago you’d interrupted her studying. Being the friend that she is, she told you that she didn’t mind… but being the friend you are, you feel bad and don’t want to keep bothering her.

Then again, this whole arrangement was her idea in the first place.

* * *

_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: W3LL, TH3 TH1NG 1S TH4T 1 T4LK3D TO D4V3. _   
_**(O)** Gemiinii: and? _   
_**(O)** THRESHECUTIONER: AND I TALKED TO HIM TOO. _   
_**(O)** D00m Raider: 0_0 _   
_**(O)** R3D GL4R3: Y34H… _

_You stare blankly at your computer screen, and at once you get this sickening feeling as if you’ve already read the conversation that follows. It’s as if you know what happens next without any further elaboration; Terezi and Karkat fucked up, and the guild war with Paradox will keep going._

_The details of the words and their meaning are lost on you as you try to keep your thoughts together._

_You’re suddenly aware of the fact that you can hear yourself breathing, and it makes you even more apprehensive to respond to anything being said in the office chat. Despite how much you’re trying not to let this affect you so much, you can feel yourself getting worked up._

_You have to calm down._

_You really, really have to calm down._

_Without noticing, you begin digging the dull ends of your nails into the meaty palms of your hands. You stare at the lines of text in the officer chat without reading them, watching the lines progress further and further up the chat log only to disappear into the top of the box. What could you even say to all of this? Nothing you could say will make any of this go away. This was your only chance at settling down this clusterfuck and now everything’s been made worse than if Terezi hadn’t done anything at all._

_You feel your chest tightening, and physically jump a bit in your chair when a Pesterchum chatbox pops up on your screen._

_ \-- apocalypseArisen [AA] began pestering twinsArmageddons [TA] \--   
AA: y0u havent said anything in a while _

_You half consider not answering Aradia, but just seeing a message from her is making you feel a little bit better. More than that, you’ve gotten pretty good at recognizing when you’re making a kneejerk, irrational decision based on your fucked up emotional stability. Partly due to this idea that you have to spite yourself for this counterproductive thought, you quickly type out the first thing that comes to mind._

_ TA: what the fuck do you want me two 2ay?   
AA: n0thing that y0u d0nt want to   
TA: okay, well, then that2 why iim not 2ayiing anythiing.   
AA: fair en0ugh _

_You push your fingers up under your glasses, closing your eyes and pressing hard against your eyelids. For a moment, you can shut the rest of the world out and stay secluded in the darkness that this affords you. It’s comforting, in a way, and helps you to take a moment and mentally step back._

_Your eyes stay closed for what feels like several long minutes, and you decide that one of the breathing exercises your psychologist recommended could be effective for you right now. Inhaling a slow but deep breath, you count to four and then hold it in. Everything else in your mind drifts away as you count up to seven, and in a steady stream of air you exhale to the count of eight._

_Sliding your hands back down, you open your eyes once more and adjust your glasses to sit neatly on your face. Difficult situation or not, you’re still the leader of this guild and you still have to figure out a way to deal with this mess._

_You’re still not sure what to say to everyone, though, so you decide to just stick with talking to Aradia for now._

_ TA: any iidea2 on how we can fiix thii2 one?   
AA: n0t particularly   
AA: n0t yet anyway _

_Awesome. The two of you are a couple of fantastic guild officers who can totally handle their shit._

_ AA: by the way   
AA: terezi p0sted her c0nversati0n with parad0xs leader in the 0fficer chat   
AA: maybe we can think 0f s0mething fr0m that _

_You look back to your Sburb client and see the waiting attachment in the chat, just as Aradia had said. Accepting the file, you wait a moment for it to download and go back to your chatbox with Aradia._

_ TA: yeah, here2 hopiing. _

_The file finishes downloading, and you take a couple of minutes to read through the log. You know that Terezi is gallowsCalibrator, so that means that this turntechGodhead must be Paradox’s leader, Dave. From what you can see, everything you’ve heard about this guy so far appears to match up with what you’d expected._

_ TA: thii2 guy 2eem2 liike an iin2ufferable priick.   
TA: can defiiniitely 2ee why tz broke up wiith him.   
AA: actually   
AA: im pretty sure that he br0ke up with her   
TA: okay, well then he cement2 hiim2elf a2 beiing an iin2ufferable priick.   
AA: perhaps   
AA: but he d0esnt seem t0 be an insufferable prick who is entirely 0pp0sed t0 speaking with s0me0ne with which he hasnt had any pri0r interactions   
AA: 0_0   
TA: …    
TA: what?   
AA: i think i have an idea   
TA: hang on, offiicer chat ii2 two dii2tractiing.   
TA: iim loggiing for a biit. _

_You go back to the officer chat in Sburb and quickly dismiss yourself from the conversation._

_**(O)** Gemiinii: alriight TZ, thank2 for tryiing.   
**(O)** Gemiinii: ii have 2 get off for a biit.   
**(O)** Gemiinii: be back on later. _

* * *

Unlike you, Aradia had been reading through the officer chat and pointed out that Dave must not have had any qualms about talking with Karkat. Even after figuring out that he was Terezi’s ex, she said, Karkat had given off the impression that the two had continued to talk for a little while. If Dave didn’t mind talking to his ex-girlfriend’s new love interest over the computer, Aradia had concluded, then he would probably be just as receptive to talking with other people he’d never met before.

Like, for example, the leader of the guild he was currently at odds with.

You hadn’t liked any part about this plan of hers whatsoever, and had even flat out refused to consider messaging him at first. Unfortunately, she used her deadly combination of logic and rationality (as she so often does) to talk you into it. You had no past relationship with Dave or any ulterior motives, and with the logs you had Dave’s chumhandle. More than that, there was no denying Aradia when she pointed out that you would likely be the most effective at mediating some sort of compromise between your two guilds. She knows that you understand this game and how it works better than anyone else on the server.

After all, she’s one of the few people who knows that your father created it.

The door to the coffee shop opens and you’re quick to look up, moving much too eagerly for your own liking. Fortunately, your pride is spared by means of an elderly woman who is most definitely not “a badass looking blonde guy with rad aviator shades in a sick red hoodie”.

The sooner you meet with this asshole, the sooner you can never have to deal with him again.

You look at the time on your phone once more and scowl at the fact that it’s only 11:57, which means it’s still earlier than the time you’d agreed to meet up. This guy is definitely not the type to be early, you decide, and in fact, will probably even be late. 

You tap on your messenger bag nervously, feeling anxious all over again as thoughts of how much is riding on this interaction creep back into your head. Some sort of actual, time consuming distraction is definitely needed right now.

It takes only a quick glance up to the chalkboard menu to make you decide that a cup of coffee would do the trick.

You look around to make sure that it’s empty enough for you to abandon your table without losing it, unwilling to part with your messenger bag by means of a placeholder. It’s a bit of a security thing for you, even though the only thing of real merit in there is your laptop. Hell, the only other thing in there is your wallet which only has a ten, one credit card, and your ID in it. 

You take out your aforementioned wallet and fish out the ten, crumbling it in your hand while you wait in line behind the elderly woman. The door opens up again, and even though you have literally just chastised yourself for appearing too eager, you immediately look over and see a middle aged man rapidly speaking in Spanish on his cell phone. You feel a twinge of annoyance in anticipation that he might get in line behind you, but he walks right past the counter completely and heads towards the bathroom.

“What can I get for you?” the chipper voice of the barista suddenly recaptures your attention, and you look from her back up to the chalkboard. 

In this time that you had been waiting in line, it probably would have been smart to actually pick something to order.

“Large caramel latte,” you say, then notice the honey stick option at the last moment. “With a honey stick.”

“Your name?”

“Sollux.”

“Alright, that’ll be $4.39!”

You nod and hand over your money. She gives you back your change and you quickly shove it into your pocket, too distracted to be bothered with actually putting it into your wallet.

“And that will be right up,” the barista says, and you can’t help the slight downturn in the corner of your lips as you see her quickly write “Sawlucks” on your coffee cup.

The door to the coffee shop opens again, and this time you catch yourself as you start to turn and look. Your movements are slower and more controlled this time; but unless Dave happens to be a young mother with her child, you don’t think that’s him either.

You move to one side to let them go up to the counter, and moments later the coffee cup labeled “Sawlucks” is placed on the counter, honey stick and all. Taking up your beverage with one hand, you check the time on your phone once more with the other.

It’s 12:01 and this asshole is officially late.

You slump back into your previous spot at your booth and think back on the details of your conversation with Dave. It had been surprisingly straightforward, save all of his asinine attempts at trying to come off as cool and aloof. You don’t think that you’re forgetting anything, and you’re pretty sure that this is the coffee shop he was talking about meeting up at.

TA: he 2tiill ha2nt 2hown up.   
TA: iim giiviing thii2 douchebag tiill 12:15 and then iim baiiliing.

You would also probably feel a little less apprehensive if you knew exactly who you were looking for. This tool’s shitty description of himself aside, he’d outright refused to send you any sort of photo to go off of. You probably could have gotten one from Terezi, but you didn’t want everyone to know about this whole meet up in case of the highly likely event that things go poorly and you somehow manage to make shit even worse.

Aradia is the only one who knows that you’re here right now, and that’s plenty enough.

Regardless of what Terezi said earlier, you’re not entirely convinced that this guy isn’t just completely jerking you along.

* * *

_ \-- twinsArmageddons [TA] began pestering turntechGodhead [TA] \--   
TG: okay now who the fuck are you   
TG: like dont get me wrong   
TG: i always have time for my fans but come on dude   
TG: give a guy some warning or something   
TG: this must be why celebrities always have some poor bastard making their appointments and guarding their shit   
TG: otherwise you get these surprise messages from angry assholes who type in gray caps lock   
TG: or you   
TG: i guess   
TG: whoever the fuck you are   
TA: wow.   
TA: at exactly whiich poiint iin your iidiiotiic blatheriing wa2 ii 2uppo2ed two 2ay that?   
TG: dunno   
TG: kind of sounds like a you problem   
TA: god youre a priick.   
TG: and yet here you are talking to me   
TG: hiding behind the bold but nameless face of anonymity _

_You clench your jaw a bit at how annoying this conversation already is, and breathe out of your nose in irritation. Whatever, you’d have to introduce yourself eventually. Unlike most other players in this game, your Chumhandle is actually different from your online Sburb account username. Whereas some players like to bask in the glory that comes with their name, out in the public eye for anyone to message and harass, you’re a little too antisocial for that. You even went out of your way to make a separate account which you solely use when accessing the online forums._

_It’s a lot more peaceful this way, anyway._

_ TA: gemiinii.   
TG: sagittarius _

_Fucking Christ, this guy is an idiot._

_ TA: no a22hole, iim gemiinii.   
TA: a2 iin the player.   
TA: the ~ath guiild leader.   
TG: dude take a joke   
TG: i know who gemiinii is   
TG: doesnt mean that youre him though   
TG: or her   
TG: i dont really keep up whether or not ~aths leader has a dick   
TG: not like they ever post on the forums   
TA: why the fuck would ii want two talk to a22hole2 liike you on the forum2?   
TG: oh okay were still doing this   
TG: hey if youre going to roleplay gemiinii can i be godzilla   
TG: not sure how hed fit in as a game construct but im sure theres a way to work with it   
TA: how can one per2on be thii2 fuckiing 2tupiid?   
TG: then godzilla roared at gemiinii because he was being a dick   
TA: 2hut up already, FUCK.   
TA: here, iill 2end you a 2creen2hot iif iit wiill ju2t 2hut you up.   
TG: godzilla eats a sweet ass mercedes as it drives by _

_You ignore this last comment and reopen your Sburb client, wasting no time as you log in. Neither your character nor Dave’s has the other added as a friend in the game, otherwise you’d be able to just outright message him on Sburb. You’ve no intentions of adding this asshole, but this should be enough._

_For added measure, and as a bit of an afterthought, you type out, “conviinced now, a22hole?” into the common chat of the area you’re in and take the screenshot._

_You set yourself as “Invisible” on Sburb before any of your officers can notice that you’re online, and then you’re back over to your chatbox with Dave. Sending the file his way, you tap your finger impatiently on your desk as you wait for it to go through._

_ TG: haha   
TG: nice   
TG: alright youve sold me   
TG: lets say that you are gemiinii   
TG: what do you want   
TA: the 2ame thiing you probably want, if your decrea2e iin guiild member2 ii2 a2 hiigh a2 iit wa2 earliier thii2 morniing.   
TG: ouch   
TG: low blow gemiinii   
TG: so what   
TG: a ceasefire   
TG: cause if im not mistaken you guys were the ones that attacked us first   
TG: kitchen getting too hot for you now   
TG: is that why you had rezi message me earlier   
TG: and angry guy   
TA: TZ offered two contact you and as for KK…   
TA: he2 ju2t kiind of an iidiiot.   
TG: yeah i got that vibe   
TA: a2 for attackiing you, what exactly diid you guy2 expect?   
TA: you were runniing a dungeon on our terriitory.   
TG: this bullshit again   
TG: look you guys are going to have to think of a better story than that   
TG: cetus is and always has been on paradox territory   
TA: do you not know how two work your map functiion2 or 2omethiing?   
TA: cetu2 ii2 on ~ath claiimed land. _

_You pull up your own map function just to make sure that the territory you’d claimed still actually belongs to ~ATH. After all, with how much land has been passed back and forth over the past couple of days with Paradox, you honestly wouldn’t be surprised if you’d managed to lose the territory claim that started this bullshit in the first place._

_Fortunately, you seem to have held onto this territory and you take a quick screenshot of the map and send it to Dave._

_ TA: 2ee, iit2 yellow.   
TA: ~ath land. _

_He doesn’t answer for a moment or two; long enough for you to wonder what he can even say to such clear-cut evidence that Cetus is on your territory._

_ TG: congrats   
TG: you can edit screenshots   
TG: not exactly impressive dude _

_You scowl at his response, and now you’re convinced that he’s just trying to be difficult. There’s no other explanation to be thought over; the dungeon is on your territory and this asshole just wanted an excuse to try and start shit with you._

_ TA: quiit beiing a diick and ju2t admiit that cetu2 ii2 on our turf.   
TA: you were iinvadiing and we were defendiing our terriitory.   
TG: then explain this _

_He sends you a file in the chat, and you don’t even want to open it because you’re pretty certain you know what it is. Unfortunately, this douchebag doesn’t realize he’s dealing with a computer science major._

_You’ll be able to see through his edited screenshot, and then you can blast this shit show out of the water._

_Opening up the image, you lean in closer to your computer screen and scrutinize over the map showing the scope of Paradox’s territory. Just as you’d expected, Dave’s version of the map shows the section with Cetus dungeon in red._

_As far as this map is concerned, Cetus is on Paradox territory._

_You squint hard at the picture, pushing your glasses up as if they’ll help you with finding the error in Dave’s edit. For a solid three minutes, you look over each and every detail of the picture, all but combing it pixel by pixel for any misalignment or altered coloration._

_Try though you might, you can’t find any flaws in this map._

_ TA: youre fuckiing wiith me.   
TA: ii dont know how, but thii2 map ii2 a fake.   
TG: nope   
TG: but thanks for playing   
TG: try again tomorrow   
TA: thii2 iisnt po22iible, cetu2 ii2 on our terriitory.   
TG: seems weve reached an impasse then partner   
TG: you say its on your territory   
TG: i say its on mine   
TG: even in the hypothetical scenario that both of us are sick of this guild fighting bullshit   
TG: im still going to want to access our dungeon   
TA: iit2 our dungeon.   
TG: exactly my point   
TG: we need to settle this shit   
TG: bro we are too entrenched in this to leave shit hanging without some proper god damn answers   
TG: onlookers everywhere want to know the truth   
TG: gemiinii   
TG: are you prepared to see how deep the rabbit hole goes   
TG: red pill or blue pill   
TA: what the fuck are you talkiing about?   
TG: do you know rezi in real life   
TG: stepping outside of the matrix for a moment   
TG: like have you physically met my psycho ex-girlfriend   
TA: wiill an2weriing that get me any clo2er two deciipheriing the wave2 of non2en2iical driivel a22aultiing thii2 chatbox?   
TG: red pill or blue pill gemiinii   
TG: you are the one   
TA: ye2, okay!   
TA: ye2 ii know her in per2on!   
TA: FUCK.   
TG: cool   
TG: so that means you live somewhere in the central florida region   
TA: why?   
TG: come on dude   
TG: we were making real progress there   
TG: orlando _

_You hesitate for a moment, because now you can see where he’s going with this. If he dated Terezi for a while, then of course that would mean he lives in the area. It seems so blindingly obvious in retrospect, but now you’re faced with whether or not you actually want to have to meet this asshole in person._

_If he’s anything like he is over the computer, it’s not going to be a pleasant encounter._

_Then again… if you refuse to meet up with him, it’s going to look an awful lot like you’ve got something to hide._

_ TA: …   
TA: yeah. _

* * *

It’s 12:14, and your patience has run out.

You were an idiot for agreeing to Dave’s stupid suggestion of meeting in person, and you’re an even bigger idiot for thinking he was actually serious about it. Hell, if anything, this was probably just an elaborate ploy to get you away from your computer long enough to continue pushing into your guild’s territory.

That has to be what this was all about; an overly complicated trick to get you out of the picture while his guild waltzes in and takes up everything you’ve worked so hard for. You should have known better than to trust this guy, and all you’ve managed to do is make yourself look like an imbecile for falling for such an obvious trap. 

No wonder you’ve gotten your guild into such a mess at all; you’re an incompetent guild leader and a gullible sap of a human being.

The door of the coffee shop opens, and in your own whirlwind of self-loathing you don’t even think twice about how you instantly look up from the table. When you do, though, a pair of dark aviator shades are looking right back at you.


	16. >Dave: Assess the situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter brought to you by one VERY long bus ride without WiFi from Munich to Paris, and one fairly long train ride from Paris to Nice. XD (Spoiler Alert: I have a feeling you'll be pretty excited for the next chapter. ;D) Thanks for the kudos, comments, and, as always, for reading.
> 
> Enjoy!

**> Dave: Assess the situation.**

Not a whole lot to assess, really. Nothing’s happened yet.

You’ve just walked into the coffee shop where you and “Gemiinii” agreed to meet up, and unless there’s some other nerd with red and blue sunglasses hiding within the deeper crevices of this café, you’re pretty sure you’re looking right at him.

He’s… not exactly what you were expecting.

For one, he seems to be much smaller than you would have pictured for someone who probably doesn’t get out much. Then again, he is sitting so there’s a chance he might be taller than he looks right now. He’s some kind of Asian, and fuck if you know which. You’ve kind of given up on trying to figure stuff like that out after Rose gave you some long winded lecture on the nuances of telling apart people of Chinese and Japanese descent after you’d jokingly called her a China doll.

You’d decided then and there that it was best to just avoid the topic entirely.

Anyway, back to the nigh important matter of assessing the situation.

He’s got no pokerface whatsoever, and it’s pretty clear to see that he’s annoyed. You were late, so you can kind of get that, but it couldn’t be helped. You had been in the middle of something very important before you’d left, and it had taken a bit of pushing from John to finally get you off the computer.

His hair is neatly cut, but doesn’t seem to be quite in order at the moment. You guess that a headset is probably to blame for that one. He’s wearing a red tee with some short sleeved, blue button-up over it, and with him is a black messenger bag. The guy also has a little dog tag necklace, but you can’t quite see if anything’s on it. 

All in all, this “Gemiinii” looks kind of geeky, but not nearly as bad as you would have pictured for the leader of such a big guild.

“Sup,” you say coolly, taking your time as you walk over to his table.

“Just waiting here for some blonde douchebag to show up,” he replies, and his flat tone says a lot less than his facial expression. “Let’s get this over with.”

You start to move into the seat across from him, but stop when you notice the coffee cup on the table.

“Whoa there,” you say, holding your hands up in shock. “Ordered without me? Dude, I thought this was some sort of negotiations meeting. Not exactly starting off on good terms here. Ten points from Gemiinii.”

“I got it at 12:00,” he says, and you can see his eyes look back up at you behind his shades. “When you were supposed to be here.”

Seems like someone’s got a bit of sass in him.

“Serious shit needed tending to,” you offer with a noncommittal shrug. You drop your red backpack on the table, then turn to look at the chalkboard menu. “Tell you what, fire your war machine up and I’ll go get a fresh cup to get this peace meeting back on track. Do you copy, Gemiinii?”

“Sollux,” he says, and it takes you a moment to get what he means. “Stop calling me Gemiinii, my name is Sollux.”

Weird name.

“Alright. Then do you copy, _Sollux_?”

“Just get your fucking coffee!”

You manage not to smirk at his little outburst, and instead give a slight nod before going up to the counter. This guy’s kind of fun to mess with so far, which is a perk to this whole situation. You were definitely not looking forward to spending the next hour with a silent, socially inept Sburb dweeb.

“Cappuccino,” you say as the barista comes up to you.

“Would you like sugar in that?”

“Hell yeah, sweeten that shit up.”

She laughs a bit, and you don’t even have to look to know that Sollux is rolling his eyes behind you. 

“Small or large?”

You glance back over to Sollux’s coffee cup, and if he sees you he doesn’t show it with how intensely focused he is on that laptop of his. 

“Large.”

“Okay, and your name?”

“Tony Hawk.”

A scoff from the peanut gallery; you’re on a roll here.

“Alright Mr. Hawk,” the barista says with an amused giggle. “That’ll be $4.01!”

You pull your wallet out of your back pocket and take out a five. Before handing it over, though, you decide to poke the bear a bit more.

“Hey,” you call back to Sollux, turning to face him a bit. “You got a penny?”

He looks at you as if he doesn’t quite understand what you’re asking for and says a terse, “What?”

“A penny. Honest Abe.”

“Get your own penny.”

“Don’t got one. Come on dude, don’t make me walk around like some rattling Tin Man with $0.99 in change.”

“Are you always this annoying to people you just meet, or am I lucky to catch you in some rare asshole mood?” he says, a dry sarcasm to his words. He’s reaching into his pocket nonetheless, though, and after a couple seconds he pulls out a penny. “Catch.”

He flips the coin to you, and you’re able to catch it easily enough. The corner of your lip quirks up into a slight smirk, and that’s all it takes for him to turn his focus back to his computer.

You pay the barista and get your cappuccino, then make your way back over to the table. 

Resuming your seat across from Sollux, you take a sample sip from your coffee which is just a bit too hot to really enjoy. Better hold off on that for now and start up your own laptop.

“So, how long have you been playing?” you ask.

“Long enough.”

“What, like, a week then?”

He doesn’t answer right away, still not looking away from his computer screen, “Been playing since elementary school, started ~ATH in high school.”

Damn, he’s even got a few years on you then.

You pull your laptop out of your backpack and set it up on the table, opening it back up to the same screen which had so captured your attention earlier in the day. Sollux’s eagerness betrays him, and he looks up from his screen at your tilted laptop.

“… That has got to be the most unbelievably shitty laptop skin I’ve ever seen in my life.”

“What? No way dude, this shit is gold.”

“You can’t be serious with this thing,” Sollux says. “It’s so ugly. Isn’t that some apple juice brand? … Wait, this isn’t even a fucking Macbook.”

“It’s not for this one,” you say. “It’s for his brother, Applesauce.”

His stern expression cracks into the closest thing you’ve seen to a smile since you got here, his mouth quirked in a small, lopsided grin.

It’s almost cute, in a nerdy, awkward sort of way.

“What the fuck is this one named, then?” he asks.

Without thinking or missing a beat, you answer, “Apple Juice.”

He outright snickers now, this light, staccato type of sound, and that’s all it takes to sell you on the fact that the leader of ~ATH is actually cuter than you’d initially thought.

A _lot_ cuter than you’d initially thought.

“Okay, your stupid laptops and their introductions aside,” Sollux says, drawing your attention away from just how attractive he may or may not be. “Pull up Sburb and log in. I got mine pulled up already, and the sooner we sort this out the sooner we can rule out the very real possibility that you’re fucking with me right now.”

Would you like to fuck with him right now?

It’s certainly not appearing to be too bad an option.

“Sure thing, Captain Sollux.”

Then again, you did just get out of a kind of serious relationship… a situation that you’re apparently having a hard time not thinking of in moments like this one.

Or any moment as of late, really.

You open up your Sburb client and log in, weighing in your mind the benefits and ramifications of trying to get into the pants of a rival guild leader. Hell, you don’t even know if the guy swings that way or not. Smooth moves aside, you’re not a miracle worker; not everyone has as much of an “everything goes” attitude as you do.

Not everyone is looking for some sort of revalidation like you, either.

Opening up your guild map, you continue wrestling with the consequences of your actions for another minute or two. Sollux picks up his coffee and takes a sip, and never are you more thankful for the shield of your sunglasses than you are right now as you watch his lips touch the rim of the cup.

Well, that settles it as far as you’re concerned. Sign you up for a subscription to Sollux Weekly because all you can think about now is how much you’d like to see those lips somewhere else.

Taking a quick sip of your own cappuccino for a bit of reassurance, you suddenly get up and move yourself and your laptop to sit next to Sollux.

“Um,” he says, looking at you with a bit of confusion. “Excuse you?”

“What?” you say, staring at your computer as if you hadn’t just pulled a Chinese fire drill on him. “It’ll be easier to compare maps this way.”

You glance over at his laptop, and note with a renewed curiosity that, just as with his screenshot, Cetus dungeon is showing up as part of ~ATH territory. With the evidence now staring you in the face, you take a look back to your own screen to make sure you’re seeing things correctly.

“… That’s not possible,” Sollux murmurs, looking from your screen to his. “Hang on, I’m going to look something up.”

Nerd wonder minimizes his Sburb client and opens up a new web browser, and within a couple of minutes he’s managed to open four different tabs and three different windows. Whatever it is he’s thinking, he seems to have gotten some sort of lead because he’s gone right back to quietly focusing on his laptop.

Which means this is a perfect chance for you to figure out your next move.

Maybe it’s a bit stupid for you to jump dick first into shit like this, but you can’t say that you’re all that concerned about it right now. No matter what comes of this, whether it’s a night of fun or this guy thinking that you’re the laughing stock of the server, you feel like you need this right now. Even just getting out of the house and away from thoughts of Jade for a little bit makes whatever happens next worthwhile.

You’re going for it.

… Fuck. Okay, you _will_ go for it just as soon as you figure out how you’re going to do it.

Maybe you can make some sort of clever start out of whatever he’s working on there.

Whoa, wait, all that stuff he’s working on looks really complicated.

You see that he’s reading over the forums in one tab, and more particularly he’s looking at posts regarding the most recent patch updates. The next tab he pulls up appears to have a zoomed out screenshot of Cetus Dungeon, but covered in grid lines and what appear to be grid coordinates. One after another, he roots through the various bits of data he has pulled up, and you find yourself staring in a sort of impressed stupor.

Sollux must be a pretty smart guy, if he can make heads or tails of all of this.

“Okay,” he says, his voice a ghost of how tense and short he’d sounded when you’d first arrived. “I think I see what the problem is.”

“Shoot,” you say, genuinely interested in hearing what he’s come up with.

“Look, do you see here the coordinate range for the stretch of territory you’ve taken? The one that had Cetus on it?”

“Still has Cetus on it.”

“Whatever, do you see it or not?”

You take a look at the coordinate range, and try to pretend as if you actually use the coordinate system when playing this game. Honestly, you haven’t used a coordinate system since your newbie days. These more complicated layouts are pretty foreign to you; more often than not, you don’t need to look at numbers to know where you’re going in Sburb.

Still, though, you’re not about to look stupid in front of your would-be Romeo.

“Yup.”

“Okay, now look at the coordinate range for the stretch of territory we took over recently. Notice anything weird?”

Fuck, now you have to answer him.

Your eyes dart from one set of coordinates to the other behind your sunglasses, trying to find what Sollux is talking about. It takes a moment longer than you would have liked, but you finally manage to pick up on something that’s weird even to you.

Two of the coordinates on each map are the same numbers.

“… Let me guess,” you say, following what he’s getting at now. “Those coordinates are the ones for Cetus?”

“Wow, you’re not as stupid as those sunglasses make you look.”

“Hey man, don’t diss the shades. Also, this coming from 3D-Retinas here.”

He snickers a bit, and it’s as if you can see all of the stress he’d been sitting with before melt away.

“Those idiots overlapped territories during the last patch update,” Sollux said, shaking his head some in disbelief. “Fucking morons… it such simple coding, how do you screw up something so basic.”

“By being basic?” you offer, earning another smirk from him.

Awesome, he’s relaxed now so all you have to do is think up a good come on. Something that gets the point across, but is still subtle enough to give him an out if he’s not into it. It’s been a while since you’ve had to do this weird interpretive dance with a guy you were interested in. Considering that the last dude you were with happened months before Terezi, you’re understandably out of practice.

He starts to pack his laptop back into his messenger bag, and you know that whatever you’re going to say, you’re running out of time to say it. What if you fuck it up and he turns you down because of it? Since when do you think this much about this kind of thing, anyway? Come on, you’re a Strider; trust your instincts and just go for it.

“So…”

“What, do you want me to climb over you or something?”

“Me or the table,” you offer, unable to think of anything else to blurt out fast enough. 

Sollux rolls his eyes again, shoving you a bit to get out from his spot at the table. You’re not entirely sure where you were going with that one. Did you really think that trapping him on a coffee store bench was going to get you anywhere?

“Anyway, glad we sorted this out,” Sollux says, already making his way to the exit when you move to shove your laptop into your backpack. “It looks like Cetus was on Paradox territory first, so we’ll respect the previous patch borderlines and stay out of the dungeon.”

“Sounds about right,” you say, your voice a perfect mask for your inner struggle with how to pick up a kind of cute Asian boy. 

Sollux opens up the door to the coffee shop to leave, and you’re quick to follow behind him before it closes. Damn it, he’s leaving and you still haven’t made your move; you knew you were a bit rusty, but this is just pathetic.

“So now what?” you ask, more out of desperation to keep the conversation going and buy yourself more time. 

You’d hoped this would be enough to get Sollux to stop moving, but the guy is still walking away from you and the coffee shop. Even as he answers, he merely turns his head some and calls back, “What the fuck do you think? Now I go home and sort out this tangled mess of bullshit.”

“Right this second?” you ask, managing to catch up with him. You realize that it’s also the first time you’ve stood next to him, and you make a mental note that he’s a good inch shorter than you.

“Well, I was planning to wait to lose a few more guild members and chunks of territory first. That, or maybe wait until some guild other than yours decides to start shit with us too,” he says, the sarcasm so thick in his voice that you can practically feel it chill the air around you. “But you can run your own guild however you want.”

You move in front of him now, blocking his path and earning for it the same, irritable look he’d had earlier.

“Do it later,” you say. “Not like it’s every day you get to hang out with the hotshot guild leader of Paradox.”

The look he gives you is one of confusion and annoyance, his eyebrows knit together behind the dual colors of his sunglasses. You hold your stance despite his wordlessly baffled look, silently demanding some sort of response from him beyond that.

Sollux adjusts a bit, shifting his weight to the side where his messenger bag is, and then crosses his arms. “Why would anyone want to do that?” he asks, his tone sounding less irked and more curious than you would have imagined would accompany his expression.

There’s a chance he’s caught on a bit by now, and at the very least he seems to have figured out that you’re after something from him. With this in mind, you decide that you can probably be a bit less vague and go about this a little more directly.

“Just saying,” you reply, taking a single step closer to him. “I hear he’s the literal definition of a cool dude. Great at video games, definitely a ten in the looks department… supposed to be pretty amazing in bed, too.”

You keep your face set in its usual poker façade, but your eyes watch him carefully behind your dark sunglasses. Your cards are pretty much on the table, and now the metaphorical option to check or raise rest on his turn. Part of you is still wrestling with the possibility of getting shot down, but you do your best to ignore that.

Seriously though, you’re not sure how much more of that your ego could take in one week.

Sollux’s lips pull up into another small smirk, and as he speaks again he looks over his shoulder as if checking to see whether or not anyone else is close by. “Interesting that your first selling point about yourself is some supposed prowess in a pretty useless skill.”

“Said as if you don’t play yourself.”

“Didn’t say I don’t,” he answers. “But I definitely don’t jump at the chance to bring it up when I’m trying to hit on some guy I just met.”

Seems like you and Sollux are playing the rest of this hand face up.

“Well, don’t assume you can go stealing my tactics now,” you say. “That shit’s patent pending.”

“Because I’m sure that touting your video game abilities works every time.”

One of your eyebrows pulls up over your sunglass lens, “Did it work this time?”

You don't think he's going to answer, at first, and you're faced with the momentary panic that you've just made an idiot of yourself. He’s hesitant, and you can see it in the way he reaches up to adjust his glasses. His head turns to look over his other shoulder, mirroring the same gesture he’d used moments ago to check just how freely he can speak. The coast is clear, though, and after a few seconds of silence, he responds.

“What exactly are you looking for?”

A question; the sure sign of someone who’s probably on board for something like this.

“Dunno,” you say shortly. “What’ve you got to find?”

He scoffs, “Not much.”

You give him a quick once over, not bothering to hide the slight tilt of your head as you do so.

“Enough, by my count,” you say with a shrug. “Not exactly proposing we elope and ride off under a rainbow on white horses with little heart brands.”

You can barely see the outline of Sollux's eyes behind his shades, now that you’re outside, but there's a distinctive roll there that you'd have to be pretty much blind to miss. He still hasn’t given you a solid answer, but you’re starting to feel less like this is leading to more rejection. 

Your eyes are fixed to Sollux's finger tapping at the strap of his messenger bag, and with it you find yourself trying to read him for some sort of premature answer. Is he tapping out of nervousness? Contemplation? Is he even aware that he's doing it?

“Nothing serious?” he finally says, more as a statement than a question.

As if you really need to be told _that_ twice.

“Nothing serious.”

Another pause, this one longer than the first, but making you considerably less nervous. He suddenly steps to one side, moving past you and your human road block. You don’t follow him this time as he continues on the same path he was walking before.

Not until he says, “Just so you know, I’ve got stuff to do later.”

Yes.

Fuck yes.

_Hell fucking yes._

A slight smirk betrays the corner of your tightly drawn lips, and you begin to follow a few steps behind him. “Do I seem like the type to insist on cuddling after?”

“Tch, more like the type to finish five minutes in.”

“Ouch,” you say, looking forward with a distant sort of focus. “Cold, Sollux… let’s see if we can warm you up some.”


End file.
